DEALING WITH A MAJOR LIFE STRESSOR, FEAR, THREATS, AND DIVORCE IN UNCERTAIN TIMES

Sitting at home in social distance mode, I have found myself contemplating the news and catching up on psychological readings. I have decided to blog about something a little more specific, scary and relevant to what I’m seeing in today’s current environment. 

Someday, researchers will rate where this perfect storm of dropping oil and gas prices, COVID-19, political unrest, social distancing and economic consequences of 2020 will land on the scale of major life stressors. But before this research is done, here is what I have seen as the top 10 stressors for men:

1. Death of a loved one
2. Divorce and family
3. Job stability, moving, finances
4. Major illness or injury, health
5. Fast Pace of Life
6. Friends and dating
7. Fitness and Activity, leisure, hobbies
8. Changing world – technology, management styles, and loosing competence in competitive world
9. Social media speed and evolving zeitgeist of today
10. Volatility and political/global unrest

Not only is Divorce a terrible loss/stress for children but as Kyle Morrison www.menafterdivorce.com says , “There is no greater emotional pain that is inflicted upon a man when they hear those fateful words leave the lips of their lover, their partner, their closest most intimate person, their wife – “I want a divorce.”

One of my mentors and Professors from the University of Lethbridge does applied work with the police and local emergency personal. He has expertise in Critical Incident Stress Debriefing, Post Traumatic Stress/Post Traumatic Growth. My mentor also has a Black Belt in martial arts, trains and competes as well as works with elite athletes. He understands and experiences mental training as well has professional expertise in several areas. He once told me that many of his toughest male clients take the hardest falls from divorce (think rough and tough MMA fighters, courageous men who protect our streets, fight our fires, and come home from military missions). Many men recover from the emotional pain and stress and many successful men break and never recover.  

“The blow to men’s ego, self esteem, and entire world view can be devastating. It is one of the most difficult things a man will have to deal with in his entire life. Some men never recover from this due to the lack of support and isolation. These men can end up miserable, depressed and lonely.” Kyle Morrison

The Coronavirus may cause a spike in divorce rates, and we can already anticipate what will happen when couples are self-isolating together.  We are seeing reports of a record number of divorce requests in recent weeks from the Chinese city of Xi’an where this virus first emerged months ago.

In my work at the practice, I take divorce and family work very seriously and work with people who have struggled with the threat of divorce or have gone through a nasty split. Everyone is different and every relationship is different too. The purpose of this blog is to write out my thoughts and support Calgarians who are in need. I have seen first hand and helped many men and woman survive and thrive after divorce. 

Fear is contagious. Right now, there is an abundance of fear and threats to our psychological needs and mental health. I believe that we can get through tough times as individuals, couples, families, teams and organizations. Getting through tough times isn’t easy, but in the end, it can be some of our proudest moments based on real confidence and resilience. To “struggle and emerge” sounds great until we are in the struggle. 

Economic stress, employment uncertainty, toxic attitudes and behaviours, all contribute to family break up and divorce. Without a strong sense of self, we become the company we keep and divorce is very popular these days. 

Whether we find ourselves trying to salvage a marriage or survive a divorce, here are a few thoughts of what the process may look like. 

“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you’re not going to stay where you are.” – unknown   

Working with a psychologist, outside perspective, and professional can help you understand what is going on in your mind. We all have egos, levels of self-acceptance, self-respect, confidence, memories, and family histories. 

Many men who have always been high achievers in life and are used to getting what they want, can get lost in the phases of divorce. Our ego tells us that we can handle it ourselves, that “those terrible things happen to other people, not me…not us.” The reality is, when there is massive emotional pain, we often go through: 

• Denial…. and see only what we want to see.

• Anger…… which is often a secondary emotion of fear and loss.

• Bargaining…….which can compound the pain as we cannot control others. 

• Depression……the terrifying reality, enormity, and change can slowly creep into every part of our life and suck every once of our energy. And finally,

• Acceptance and Growth which can take years to get to depending on you as an individual, your marriage, context, environment and history. 

(Books are written about the pressure, loneliness, reputation, forgetting or forgiving – That’s another blog – not to mention how lawyers are busy with the specific topics of money, property, children, family, etc).

As a psychologist I can be guilty of using acronyms……I am also guilty of blasting “awesome Dad” jokes. So as a member of the Team of Psychologists at The Practice Calgary, here is an acronym to summarize this blog with some suggestions that I have found useful if you are dealing with thoughts or the threat of divorce. 

I will urge my clients, before making or reacting to a major life altering decisions, to reflect on the following points:

1. Patterns of Self-Doubt in you. Patterns in the relationship. Do you know what they are? 

2. Recognize what’s underneath your self-doubt or patterns in the relationship. How does fear and loss play into your anger?

3. Admit you can’t do it alone and it’s okay to get professional support. (beers with buddies, although an easy distraction is not always enough). 

4. Courage to act and commit. It’s easy to start well, much harder to stick with it and finish strong. 

5. Take the Time for mental health. Life is busy, give yourself permission to take time for self care so that you can see the needs of those around you.

6. Information is Power. Track relevant data i.e., every time you eat a meal make a note of where you are on a difficult decision that you will have to make. Have your counsellor track your behaviour and reflect in each session. 

7. Catch the excuses for avoiding pressing issues or pretending like everything will just work out. 

8. Execute and act with the mindset, habits, and lessons to move forward and get closer to the people, things, and places you value most. There is no magic.

Please know that we at The PRACTICE are here to support you, via FaceTime, Skype, Zoom or on the phone. 

Derek Robinson, Registered Psychologist