I have been compelled to write on the subject of parenting through death by suicide, because this has been something that has recently touched the lives of many young ones in our community. One blog post is not going to be enough, but there are not enough clinical hours in the day to provide care to all to families who deserve to be cared for during this time.
I spend a lot of time talking about being present, focused on right now as a way of not buying into the ‘problems’ in life, but there are times when the now in inexplicitly painful. You can’t wish or breathe your way out of the pain. Death by suicide is one of those times. People who experience a loss this way are profoundly impacted, and often feel consumed by a whirlwind of sometimes conflicting thoughts and feelings. It is a difficult time to navigate, and realistically can be hard to even know what you are feeling. Even harder to know what to do when you are trying to support your child through the loss of someone through suicide. So, I am 
putting here some guiding framework, from the perspective of a psychologist, parent, and mother, who has experienced the loss of clients by suicide, cared for those who lived through it, and walked the journey with spouses and children who have lost their person this way.
Talk about it. Please do not buy into the fear that talking about suicide will give your child the idea that they should die by suicide. You child already knows about suicide and is already thinking about it right now, so give them permission to talk about it. “Have you ever thought of hurting yourself on purpose?”, “Thank you for sharing, can you tell me any more about it?” are good places to start.
Do not judge the person who they have lost. Do no label suicide as ‘selfish’. First of all, because it’s wrong, suicide is not selfish, it is a loss of hope. Secondly, when you label suicide in a derogatory way, you immediately bring shame to the discussion. If your child has ever considered suicide, or does in the future, then you have immediately conveyed to them that they are a bad person for those thoughts. They will judge themselves and they will be less likely to share the thoughts with someone (like a parent) that can get them the help they need.
Do not give answers that you do not have. Speculation about what was wrong, why the person died by suicide, and what you think are possible causes are unhelpful. 
You don’t know, and even if you think you do know, you probably don’t (or don’t know it all). Just acknowledge that it is normal to want to know why, and that it is hard to have unanswered questions. Acknowledge that this is an extremely difficult part of suicide.
Guilt is normal. It is normal to think back to times you shared with the person, to look for signs you missed, and to find fault in yourself. This is part of trying to regain a sense of control. Sometimes it feels easier to blame ourselves then to have the audacity to be angry at someone who has died. Give your child permission to feel angry. Assure them that it is normal to feel guilty, and that the guilt is misplaced. Decline the invitation to guilt. It is not their fault.
Let them feel what they feel. Instead of telling them what they feel, let them know that it is ok for their feelings to be everywhere. This is messy, and messy is ok. Invite them to talk about it, but don’t make them talk about it. Let them know you’ll be thinking of them and that you are always there to talk to about it, but that you won’t ask them about it all the time. Set a time when you will check back in with them about it. Do not try to bubble wrap them, and do not turn into a helicopter.
You don’t have to be their therapist. Lots of people think about suicide and although parents get uncomfortable when I say this, it is true. Many, many people have vague thoughts about suicide and sometimes this can reflect a desire to escape. However, it should still not be dismissed. A professional can help you figure out where these thoughts are coming from, and can appropriately assess for risk. Trained professionals are not being a parent to your child, they are asking safe questions to help them understand if your child has made plans to end their life, and if there is intention associated with those plans. A psychologist will develop a plan to keep your child safe, and help develop a language that you and your child can use to communicate around their safety. You can also provide your child with the number for phone or chat crisis-counselling if you are concerned, and make sure they know that you will let them keep what they discuss private.
Help them be a friend, not a therapist. When suicide strikes a community of youth, everyone will react in their own way. Some will move through it quickly, others may take a while. Encourage your kid not to judge that, because no one really knows how each person is doing with it and if they are grieving or suppressing. It is good for them to share and provide comfort to their community, but do let your child know that it is better for them to talk to an adult if they are concerned about how their friend is doing. There are many, many different subtle ways to get help for their friend without your child being identified, so don’t let that be a barrier.
Everyone is allowed to be impacted. Knowing someone who dies by suicide is shocking. Even having met someone who had died this way is shocking. You are allowed to have a reaction. Parents, you are allowed to have a reaction. People stifle their emotions or dismiss their thoughts because they do not think they knew the person long enough, well enough, or have not seen them recent enough to grieve. Wrong. Grief is grief and you feel how you feel.
Self-care, self-care, and more self-care. Experiencing a death by suicide is a shock to your child’s heart and brain. They may have a hard time sleeping, concentrating, or remembering. They may be different from their normal emotional selves for a little while, and may be more emotional overall. If they are having moments, help them calm and when you can you could ask them if they think this is grief showing up. Don’t tell them it is, but you can ask.
Tell the School. I am a big proponent of solid communication between the school and home. Your kid brings their whole
self to school, and they bring their school experiences home. The teacher may notice your child is not paying attention or is overly frustrated, and knowing the context equips them with the information they need to appropriately respond to your child. Look at it this way, telling the teachers won’t hurt.
Guide Social Media. Social media means that there’s a good chance your child learned of the death before you could tell them, and that they may heard many sensationalized pieces of information about what happened. It’s normal for kids to talk to each other about this; however, sometimes the recycling of half-truths and speculation and experiencing the shock of others over and over can be overwhelming. Although I am a proponent of social medial, this is a time for heavy parent involvement. Talk to them about taking a break from it for a night, and see if they will share with you the kinds of things they are hearing on-line. Be involved and try to drive the conversation to how they are feeling over the on-line content.
Early in my career I heard that suicide is like standing in a burning building, the person sees death by fire or death from jumping out. I wish so badly I could remember where I heard this. I gravitate to this because it reflects the loss of hope that is at the core. If we can talk about suicide, remove shame from mental health challenges, and not judge a person by their struggle then maybe people will be able to open up more.
If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, please do not try to carry this alone. Go to your local emergency room, or contact the police.
Best,
Carmen Dodsworth
Kids Help Phone 1-800-668-6868
Distress Center 403-266-4357 (HELP)
Resource: The Canadian Association of Suicide Prevention
https://suicideprevention.ca/need-help/