Posts

Posted on

Helping Teens in Uncertain Times

I was on the phone with my dad yesterday. I thought I was checking in on him, but I am pretty sure it was the other way around. He shared his perspective as someone who grew up before vaccines and said to me, “we all bring something different to the table.” This rung particularly true for me as I have spent the last two days providing quite a bit of FaceTime and phone support to teens, and in-person to my own teenagers. While debriefing my clinical day yesterday, I was quite struck by how teenagers do have a unique experience of the pandemic, and how similar the message was from teen to teen. 

It is important to remember how vital their social life is to many of our tweens and teens. Teenagers are individuating, which means they are at critical stages of identity development, and figuring out who they are involves finding both differences from their parents and similarities to their peers.

In exasperation, my teen said,“Yes Mom! I have your love and nurturing, but I am still alone because as soon as that need is met I need social interaction!”Whelp, he’s right. He also reminded me that we are not talking about a week, this could go on for months. I am reminded that we need to ask the questions “What’s the pandemic like for you?” I did, and here are some of the similarities that teens shared with me.

1.  Boredom is actually a problem. I have asked every teen, “What is the most difficult part of changes to your life made by the COVID-19 for you right now?” 100% of the teens said “boredom”. Boredom can be challenging for adults, but in all honesty, I think sometimes we crave it as a respite from the day to day, or as a way of not doing a host of tedious tasks. Teens were different, they shared that they have too much time to think, are too alone with their thoughts, and are already finding that even their usual social media outlets have lost satisfaction. One teen remarked that boredom was a feeling of nothing, that made everything seem like something they didn’t want to do. It reminded me of going to get dressed in the morning and having nothing to wear, in spite of a full closet. 

They are right. Boredom is both a feeling and a mindset. It is a lack of excitement and stimulation that leads to a sense of nothing to do. This nothing-feeling causes you to be less interested in the things that you typically want to do.  

We can’t dismiss this by telling them to do school work, a chore, or go outside. Those are activities, not stimulation.  “Mom, don’t say goals, teens hate goals, but we need to feel like were achieving something.” That was the sage advice from my 16-year-old daughter. The teens and I worked to find something they want to accomplish that helps give them a sense of short-term purpose. These are the things that they always say they want to do or learn, but never get around to it because of, well, life.  Every single teen knew right away what their secret interests were and could generate ideas about what they could do. From learning tricks on a skateboard, drawing a series of pictures, learning how to edit photos, sewing, etc., they were happy to talk about it although some needed encouragement not to feel ‘silly’.  They set targets for the first two weeks of distancing, and each want to report back to me their progress. These goals help the teens; 1. Feel interest in a part of their day, 2. See progression from day to day, 3. Have a sense that they will emerge from this all with something cool to show others, 4. Have some control so that their life does not surmount to chores, social media, and school.

2. Misinformation. Teens are cognitively aware and connected to social media, so they are hearing a lot about COVID-19. Still, they may not be emotionally developed enough to process this uncertain time. It is important not to downplay the seriousness of the situation, because if it were not serious then how can they make sense of the fact that their parents are working from home, school is suspended, and people are stock piling supplies? Without the information, they are confused and build distrust of either their parents or the government, or both. You have to know your teen, but here are some basics to debrief with them; Why is COVID-19 different? What does flatten the curve mean? What happens if the city goes into quarantine? Will my parents lose their job?

Teens need to understand that flattening the curve means only to slow and prolong the spread of the virus so that the rate of illness does not overwhelm our medical system. This means the percentage of the population who may need medical help to survive the illness, will have access to doctors and hospitals when the time comes. Learn about COVID-19 with them, on reputable sites like World Health Organization, so that they have metered and correct information. 

 In terms of questions like your job or city-wide quarantine, it is OK to say, “I don’t know right now, but here is our plan…”  or “I don’t know at the moment, but if it looks like that is going to happen, we will talk about it, until then let’s put that in a wait and see category.” It is important to acknowledge these are possibilities, rather than to say, “that won’t happen,” which leaves teens with a sense of uncertainty. 

3. Media. You will see a consistent message from mental health providers right now; LIMIT NEWS AND OTHER COVID-19 MEDIA. The rate of information coming to us is unhealthy. We have less time spent commuting and living our typical lives and are spending it on the internet. The variety of things that we are thinking about in a given day has diminished too, so proportionately COVID-19 is inundating us. Your teens are no different. In our house, we are sitting down once a day, at the provincial press briefings, and watching it together. We talk about it for about an hour after, and then try to do our best to leave it. This is a marathon, not a sprint, lead by example.

This is a marathon, not a sprint, lead by example.

4. Panic buying. This behavior is hard to understand and impacts the way our teens see the world and others. Talk to them about fear, ask them what their perspective is on it, ask them how it impacts what they think of society. This one may have a sleeper-effect in terms of shaping world views.

5. Education matters. Yes, teens are known for complaining about school and not wanting to go to school other than to see their friends. Yet across the board the teens expressed worry. They are worried they will fail, or won’t fail and then next year will be behind. They are worried about their parents trying to be their teachers, and they are stressed about graduating. We will have more information on helping your kids learn from home in the days to come. 

Teens need help adjusting to on-line school

6. Don’t try to normalize this, but do create a new normal. Get into habits and routines. In our house, we require that Monday through Friday we all get up in a morning hour, shower and change, and do something productive in the morning. We are all required to leave the house daily, to go for a walk at the very least. Every day we take turns participating in the cooking and kitchen maintenance (I sense a competition coming on). My daughter asked me if we could go for a drive, which I never would have thought of, but yes, that is a great idea. She wants to see something other than our community and the inside of our house. We will go today. We’ve also agreed that we will try to do something entertaining in the evening, playing games or watching a show. It is a loose routine. We are taking turns doing dishes and cooking meals for the family. Participating in our new normal. 

If families had strained relationships prior to social distancing, this can be particularly difficult. Still, developmental psychologist Gordon Neufeld has previously spoke about the impact of forced dependency on attachment relationships. Here, he has identified that when teens are put in situations where they are required to need guidance and help from their parents it may have a corrective influence.

Remember that there is help for your family if you need support navigating these times. Many providers, including our team, are offering phone or FaceTime sessions, and we have provided a list of some distress services (free mental health support) below.

Distress Centre (free 24/7 crisis line) 

403-266-HELP (4357) TTY (for the hearing impaired) 403-543-1967 

Kids Help Phone(24/7 national service offering professional counselling):

   1-800-668-6868

Woods Home Community Resource Team Call:  Seven days a week, 24-hours a day

Text and LiveChat: 9 a.m. to 10 p.m.
Mobile response: 12 – 7 p.m.

403-299-9699 or 1-800-563-6106
Text: 587-315-5000

Posted on

The Competitive Ego

To start December and build off our November reflections along with some Navy Seal mental toughness insights, I thought I share this recommended book for anyone who has an ego. We all have basic human needs, and we have different degrees of those needs. The needs can be broken down into a high need to achieve, freedom, love & belonging, fun, and survival.

Many of us in work, sports, school, and in our social lives have a high need to achieve. We feel good when we get what we want. And we hate losing. Thus, as we get in the season of sports, school, and preparing for Xmas holidays…… I have been thinking about how we can find ourselves competing. And as we all know…… with politics, the economy, current trends in the work place, etc. that we can sometimes feel we are spinning our wheels in a toxic environment and/or thriving in a cooperative and productive environment.

However, we all have a certain amount of choice in how we perceive things. I have worked with many competitive athletes, coaches, leaders, and support staff over the years and here are a few notes I really appreciate from the book “Top Dog: The Science of Winning and Losing” written by Pro Bronson and Ashley Merryman.

I feel this info can also apply for our work with The Practice Clients who are working hard to achieve their goals in life, work, and family. It’s hard to be good at everything, and it feels great when we are achieving the goals we set. So, Let’s COMPETE!!!!!

How did that word feel for you???

Bronson and Merryman begin their case by explaining the difference between adaptive and maladaptive competitiveness.  They explain,

“Adaptive competitiveness is characterized by perseverance and determination to rise to the challenge, but it’s bounded by an abiding respect for the rules.”  What’s so wonderful about people who excel in adaptive competitiveness is that they “don’t have to be the best at everything – they only strive to be the best in the domain they train for.”  As a result, these types of people have what Bronson and Merryman consider healthy competitiveness, marked by “constant striving for excellence but not desperate concerns for rank.”

Maladaptive competitiveness, on the other hand, is “characterized by psychological insecurity and displaced urges.  It’s the person who can’t accept that losing is part of competing; it’s the person that competes when others around him are not competing.”  It’s the person that wins at all costs, regardless of whether he or she is breaking the rules.  These people don’t understand that cooperation is key to competition, and as a result, competition has gotten a bad rap.

The Journey teaches us different ways to compete, how winning and losing is not a bad thing. We care about winning and losing because we dare to care. The truth is we love to compete. It’s Fun. It gets us through things. And we get to learn to turn off our compete and reenergize for the next opportunity.

Many great coaches like preach that We Race Like We Train. We play like we practice. Our Mindset, habits, and work ethic will determine our direction. And the … “the inescapable conclusion is that years and years of practice are not, automatically, enough. In addition to the deliberate practice, success also depends on how well people compete. It hangs on how well they handle the psychoendocrine stress response, manage it, and even harness it…….everyone has that stress response, but we can interpret it differently, which drastically affects our performance..” – 9

Psychologists have studied and written about how we must strive and gain awareness regarding:

Learning How You Compete in each situation and realizing this is An Opportunity to further:

Understand Your SKILL to meet the challenge

Understand Your DISPOSITION

Learn How you MANAGE THE ENVIRONMENT

Improve your SELF-REGULATION skills

Here are some questions we ask our clients or they learn through our work.

  1. THE SKILL TO MEET THE CHALLENGE

Do you believe you have the skills, preparation, and commitment to execute at the level of challenge facing you?

What is your current physiological level and how did that impact your performance? Age, history, experience…..

Do you have winning experience?

“The mindset and self-belief you bring to the challenge will determine if you feel up to the challenge or feel threatened and distracted”.

Are you focused on the task?

Do you approach your Passion like a Professional with Deliberate Training?

These steps are often part of your preparation phase.

You Are Prepared and Ready with a clear goal directed focus

Execution: Performance Phase – you execute and perform with emotional engagement and task focus that aligns your physiological and technical execution.

In order to do this, we will also need to reflect on:

Are You executing at or above where you have been training?

1. UNDERSTAND YOUR DISPOSITION?

For example,

Is it good for your performance to swing for the fences?

Do you want to win everything or just compete when you know you can win?

Do you believe in your ability to WIN?

Do you have a winning identity/attitude to compete whether you win or not?

Are you really willing to take it to the next level and find a way to win?

Do you have the kind of GRIT to passionately persevere in pursuit of your long term goals, with a willingness to overcome any obstacles that lie in your path, because you value the path of being GRITTY.

You are hungry and yet stay humble to work and sacrifice like everyone else in life.

You Understand your pattern of self-perception and how you perceive the task in order to compete the best with what you have on that day.

Mindset a critical and overlooked aspect of performance.

The mindset and self-belief you bring to the challenge will determine if you feel up to the challenge or feel threatened and distracted.

Athletes for example, underperform more often due to being internally distracted (because they don’t feel good enough) vs. externally distracted.

We learn how to free ourselves up to perform vs. get in our own way, make excuses, or focus on task-irrelevant information

2. MANAGE THE ENVIRONMENT

Do you practice routines that you’re comfortable with and give you confidence or do you let the uncontrollables affect your emotional readiness and focus?

Disposition (you/us) vs. the Environmental Demands

3. PERFORMANCE DEMANDS

You Learn to face the vast array of environmental challenges and stressors…… and you are typically pressured to meet the performance demands and standards set by yourself and others.

Learning to COMPETE requires navigating through the Specific SKILLS required, Your DISPOSITIONAL characteristics, the Environment, and the PERFORMANCE DEMANDS facing you.

ACTUAL PERFORMANCE IS HOW YOU COMPETE WITH GRIT AND TASK IQ. And then learning how to do it at a consistently high level requires self-regulation strategies you have learned WORK FOR YOU.

“We play like we practice. Our Mindset, habits, and work ethic will determine our direction“.

SELF-REGULATION SKILLS

The Big 4: Self-talk, emotional management, goal setting, and imagery

Did you have clear goals today?

Do you have success memories for this challenge?

How did you manage the situational demands to compete today?

Did you focus on the task or did you give yourself an out?

Do you give yourself permission to recover?

Your Are Either Winning Or You’re L……….

  • THE POWER OF DEBRIEFING TO FORMULATE EMOTIONAL MEMORIES FOR FUTURE FOCUS

The Amygdala deals with the passionate perceptual emotions when you compete. It puts the punch into memory formation

These perceptions filter into your memory (Hippocampus)

Your Memories (through a proper debrief) set up your subconscious, future emotional experience, and task focus.

Do you use a trusted team to provide you with feedback? Do you have people who will level with you vs. just tell you what you want to hear?

Derek Robinson, Registered Psychologist

Here at The Practice Calgary, we pride ourselves in helping our clients along the journey. Supporting them as the learn, work, and remember what strategies are helping them achieve their needs. Our promise to you is our striving to bring real, authentic, and practical strategies in working together.

Notes and thoughts by Derek Robinson (December, 2019)

Posted on

Food, Mental Health, and Wellness.

Farmer’s Market Freshness

This month our team is sharing ideas about “beating the blahs” in November. This, of course, is the non-technical term for dips in mood, increases in anxiety and stress, and overall decreased sense of wellbeing that many people face in the colder months of winter (and apparently fall this year in Calgary).  

Rory Hornstein, RD

Even though many of us will struggle more with mental health challenges in the winter, the link between diet and mental health is a year-long issue. This week we had the chance to talk with our resident Registered Dietician, Rory Hornstein, about the link between diet, mental health, and wellness and here’s what she had to say. 

“Studies suggest probiotic applications to the gut can reduce anxiety and depression via the vagus nerve. 

Questions remain that touch the core of being human: 

(i) Do our microbes influence happiness and to what extent? 

(ii) What components of the gut microbiota and their function relates to mental health? 

(iii) What role do environmental pollutants (and diet) play in this microbes-host ecosystem? 

Quick Tip: Reach for real food first. Eat a minimum of five fruit & vegetables and at least five servings of whole grains daily

Lower bacterial diversity has been observed in people with inflammatory bowel disease, psoriatic arthritis, type 1 diabetes, atopic eczema, coeliac disease, obesity, type 2 diabetes, and arterial stiffness.  The association between reduced diversity and disease indicates that a species-rich gut ecosystem is more robust against environmental influences, as functionally related microbes in an intact ecosystem. Consequently, diversity seems to be a generally good indicator of a “healthy gut”. Specific foods and dietary patterns can all influence the abundance of different types of bacteria in the gut, which in turn can affect health. Changes to the gut microbiota can occur within days of changing diet. We can increasingly modify health through food and measure the effects through our microbes or metabolites. Fiber is a key nutrient for a healthy microbiome.

Oatmeal, a Favorite Winter Breakfast.

(i) High-intensity sweeteners are commonly used as sugar alternatives, being many times sweeter than sugar with minimal calories. Despite being “generally recognized as safe” by regulatory agencies, some animal studies have shown that these sugar substitutes may have negative effects on the gut microbiota. Sucralose, aspartame, and saccharin have been shown to disrupt the balance and diversity of gut microbiota. 

(ii) Food additives, such as emulsifiers, which are commonly found in processed foods, have also been shown to affect the gut microbiota.

 (iii) Other areas of concern include the side effects of popular restrictive diets on gut health. These include some strict vegan diets, raw food or “clean eating” diets, gluten-free diets, and low FODMAP (fermentable oligosaccharides, disaccharides, monosaccharides, and polyols) diets used to treat irritable bowel syndrome. I have completed FODMAP training through Monash University in Australia. 

This is one of my favorite resources on gut microbiota and diet. It is evidence based – the link below highlights a few of the articles on gut microbiome as related to mental health”. https://www.gutmicrobiotaforhealth.com/en/?s=mental+health

Our Team Learning About Nutrition

Rory brings her insight and skill-base to our team, as we help our clients navigate mental health challenges, achieve performance goals, and build healthy relationships & lifestyle. We are a collaborative team and a wellness home and are excited to work with our clients on multiple facets of mental health and wellness. This, right here, is why I love the collaboration on our team.

Posted on

Letting Go

We are passing into October now, and rolling out our spotlight on “Letting Go”, a theme which was suggested by Christy our clinic manager. We were in a brainstorming session, laughing to tears when Christy blurted out “Letting GOOO!” On a side note, I believe in the value of laughter because it builds comradery, makes us love going to work, and because we are in a more cognitively flexible and creative space when we are able to laugh. So, it is by design that our brainstorming sessions tend to look more like an amateur hour open-mic. So, as I gasped for air, Christy repeated, “Letting Go” and then offered thoughtfully, “like the trees let go of their leaves to make space for something new.” *sigh* She went deep. 

Make room for change by letting go of things that no longer serve you.

Do we need to let go? Let go of what? Why can’t we let go? How do we let go? Can talking about it really help us let go? Is letting go of thoughts different from letting go of behavior? These are the angles that our team will explore, each from their own perspective and area of expertise. It is so amazing to see how approaches from our dietician, social workers, and psychologists weave together to form a complimentary and yet differentiated fabric. I’m excited to participate and learn this month. I am excited to explore how we can make room for change by letting of of the things that no longer serve us.

Over the last 10 or so years I have become increasingly enticed by the inner culture of the human mind, and eager to learn how contemplative neuroscience may inform the pursuit of wellness. I was excited to engage with clients in a way that seemed more intuitive to me; one that moved beyond examination of how a client thinks, to one that delves into what a client gives their attention to. Undoubtedly there is much to be gained by reframing catastrophic interpretations of events (i.e. I am such an unlovable idiot) to more balanced thought (i.e. I really messed up there, I don’t like it but I don’t have to be perfect), but this generally does not address one of the most negative mental health habits that we have. Self-obsessed thought addiction. 

Self-focus leaves us feeling isolated and yet strangely over-estimating the amount amount of interest we capture from others. It is like a return the ‘world is my stage’ period of earlier development, with all of it neurosis along for the ride

Most of us are just a little too invested in our own story-line, and convinced in the importance of our thoughts. This is problematic as most of the narrative generated by our survival-driven-problem-focused brains is incorrect. It’s wrong, its unneeded, but we buy it. Reframing thoughts about yourself is still thinking about yourself, but before you take it personally I should mention that it is the western-world-brain default mode. That is right, there is circuitry in our brain that is geared to direct attention and focus to ourselves, to keep us occupied with who we think we are, what we’ve done, what to do next, and how others see us. As this self-focused network drives attention inward, habituation helps you to stop noticing things in the world around you.  During habituation, the brain produces fewer neurotransmitters in response to a stimulus, so you don’t have to keep paying attention to it every time you see it. Really this part is for the sake of efficiency, so you can focus on tasks at hand instead of noticing the mundane, like the feeling of your clothes (which you may now be thinking about because I mentioned it). Makes sense until it becomes a general way of being. 

Without perspective, thoughts consume us, and cloud us from reality and each other.

There are costs associated with the habituation / self-focus habits such as decreased wellbeing, increased stress, and emotional volatility. I know as a mom I am far more reactive to the family when I am stuck in my own thoughts. I am also far more likely to feel amped up, have difficulty sleeping, and make absent minded moves (like the time I drove through the underground parking lot with the back hatch of the SUV open… *smash*). In cases of anxiety and depression the self-focus becomes quite skewed through lenses of fear and negativity, and thoughts become drawn further out into the future or focused on the past. We end up living in an alternate version of our lives, one that hasn’t happened (and likely won’t) or that didn’t happen the way it is being played out (human memory is incredibly flawed) Intuitively I also wonder about the cost of self-focus on our collective compassion for and connection to each other. How can we love each other, if we don’t notice each other? 

Letting go of the mental health habits can start with simple noticing. Noticing the narrative of your brain and how often it pulls you away from the experience you are having now. Be curious, you don’t have to judge it, and you don’t have to give weight to the thoughts. Just practice observation. Of course, there’s more to it than that, but this is a starting point. Start by letting go.

Change is slow, but really where else do you have to be?

Posted on

When Change Helps School Success

“Is my kid just being lazy?”, is one of the most common questions parents ask when their child fails to thrive in the educational system. It is equal parts heart breaking and frustrating. The student swears that they are trying, you see them on their phone. They could do more, couldn’t they? Then we turn our angst on the teachers. Why do they keep calling? Why can’t they teach my child? If they can’t help, how am I supposed to? It is a helpless place to be, and one that often drives a rift between parents and their children. 

HW can be peaceful

People want to feel successful, to be successful. When a child underperforms it is rarely true that it isn’t because they don’t care. It is more often because they have given up or can’t succeed. When they give up, it is rooted in frustration, and it is important to get to the source. Common sources include undiagnosed learning differences, attentional challenges, low self-esteem, and / or peer issues. When they ‘can’t learn’ it may be due to a host of issues and again including distractibility, anxiety, and /or unknown learning differences.  It is important to understand that learning differences are neurological / cognitive in nature, and require more than effort to overcome. 

Psych-ed assessments are important to consider when there are concerns relating to performance, effort, and interest in school. These assessments may or may not lead to a formal diagnosis; however, they will often lead to suggestions or accommodations for the student. While some parents are reticent to allow for accommodations (i.e. not ‘real world’) or fearful of accommodations (i.e.my kids will be ‘different), these are myths of the past and accommodations have emerged as one of the most critical actions that can be taken to help kids succeed. 

Dr.Liann Meloff took a few moments to share her thoughts on why accommodations matter:

Dr.Liann Meloff R.Psych, is passionate about removing barriers to learning success.
photo credit: SuperCorporatePeople

“Every child has areas of strength and areas that are weaker when it comes to learning.  Many children are able to adapt to the requirements in a classroom and be successful. However, there are also many children who require accommodations to their learning to help them be successful (and reduce frustrations).  Accommodations are changes that remove barriers to learning.  Accommodations are not changes to what children learn, rather how they learn.  For some children it is clear what accommodations they require to support their learning whereas for others it requires more in-depth assessment to determine what the barriers are to their learning, and determining how to remove them. Accommodations are important to help children be successful whether they are gifted, have a learning disorder, are slower processors or have ADHD.  Examples of accommodations include providing extra time for children who have slower processing or experience anxiety; using a keyboard for writing assignments to promote increased written expression; and reducing the number of questions on a test to promote quality and success.”

Interested and have more questions? Please join An Evening with Dr.Liann Meloff, October 1, 2019. 5:30 pm. Please call to reserve your spot! Location TBD.

Posted on

Preparing for Change

We’ve been away from social media, more or less, for the last couple of months. This was on purpose. Christy and I have been working behind the scenes to realign, revision, and launch new initiatives for The Practice Calgary. That’s the official statement, and it is true. But the deeper truth is that I was taking a walk with uncertainty.  It really does not matter how ‘successful’ a person has been, or capable they have felt or been perceived as, insecurity and uncertainty don’t care. It is Ok to acknowledge it.

Full stop, or at lease pause.

I took a step back because I wasn’t entirely clear where I was at, and where we were going. I recognized it when I observed where my energy was going, and it seemed that somewhere along the line I began promoting instead of communicating. I was second guessing, and looking at the likes, instead of focusing on who we are and what our vision is. When I could see this, I allowed myself to ‘not know’ and reminded myself that there is no urgency. The timeline is false, as timelines generally are. In this period, I really focused on what I know to be true for me; working with clients, friends and family, meditation and reflection, running, and fun. Amazing things happen when you let go.

Uncertainty doesn’t have to stop you.

The clarity came when Christy and I returned to the original business plan. We could see what had been pushed aside, what no longer fit, and what we are doing very well. During the weeks of sitting with uncertainty, who had become like a rather annoying child as opposed to a frightening adversary, my clarity grew and with that came confidence. “Ok, so uncertainty, you’re still here. You can come along, but I’m going to go ahead and ignore you”. Finally, I could see our vision, mission, and goals. Together we could dream out loud again! Another thing happened during our retreat, at the exact moment that I felt the welling surge of insecurity rearing to a point of killing my plausible deniability, our business surged (amazing, thank you <3). Planned happenstance. This is what we have been waiting for; three wildly talented and experienced professionals joined our team (amazing story for another time). Christy and I have learned a great deal in the years we have fostered The Practice Calgary, most important we learned to lean our intuition. We have long-identified a need for experienced clinicians to grow our team, but countless interviews have ended up with us going with our gut “not the right fit”. So, in spite of my predicament, when the right people emerged, we felt it was the only move was to welcome new team members. Ever felt compelled forward, even though internally you are feeling more than a little lost? When exactly what you have been dreaming of manifests into reality you don’t exactly tell the Universe that you need a minute to collect yourself.

Christy, our fearless clinic manager, with new team member Derek Robinson, R.Psyc, who is our resident sports and performance expert. Derek has worked at the last four Olympics and helped top performing and professional athletes across countless sports!!

The vision for The Practice Calgary is to normalize emotional and mental health by being a team of real and approachable professionals. The vision is to truly be a safe and welcoming health and wellness home where the helpers are transparent and experienced, and where the guidance is real (no, you do not have to look in the mirror and Guy Smiley it). Mental health should be as acceptable as physical health. This means internally we must have people who want to be there, who are happy to be there, who live well and hold a genuine place of non-judgement. If we are not supporting each other, then we have no business supporting you. Socially responsible. That is an absolute actionable goal and this is what, in hindsight, caused my Instagram energy to morph into a brick wall in perfect time for me to hit it. To me socially responsible means honest. Social media can be great, but it can do a lot of damage by skewing our perception of life. Honest, real, and thought provoking. Never for ‘likes’ and never staged. The intention is as important as the action.

Our new logo! It represents the principle of doing no harm in the efforts to help others, and recognizes the return of the energy you give in your journey.

So, thank-you uncertainty for causing us to hit pause. Thank you to an amazing team and community that allowed us to sit quietly. Now we feel energized and excited to continue making mental health real and relatable, break down barriers to getting support, and to have a lot of fun while we do it! We’d love for you to keep in touch with us. We’ll be introducing our team, letting you know about community engagement evenings (starting with a no-cost Evening with Dr. Liann Meloff, R Psyc on “Preparing Your Child for Success”), and putting out lots of real content on all sorts of mental health and wellness topics!

Best, Carmen

Posted on

Why Motivation is Problematic

Does motivation precede action or does motivation build after actually doing something?  The question is valid, but it’s also false. Why? It’s too simplistic.

We all do things each and every day that we don’t want to do, but we do it anyways. On some days, this includes getting out of our pajamas…  but when it comes to the things we need to do to get to the bigger goals in our lives, the things that are meaningful to us, people talk a lot about not being able to gather the motivation to do it. Given that a person is in reasonable health, and actually has the ability to do the things they are trying to do then the it generally boils down to one of two issues; 1., they don’t really want it, and 2., they don’t think they can do it.

I talk a lot about the first block, with my clients and in public speaking or blogging content because I see it all the time and it is a really hard message for people to get. A lot of people set goals and ambitions based on what they think they should want, what their parents or partner wants, or what society has blatantly promoted as their way to happiness. These can be macro goals like going to university, choosing a specific career, or their relationship status. Assumed goals can also be more micro like being organized, thin, or what to look like.  These false assumptions even corrupt how we think about introversion, personality, and how quickly we talk (seriously, it’s true).  So, people set off on fitness goals, try to be ‘more organized, better students, learn how to find happiness in relationships, and yet never actually manage to take the steps to get there in any consistent way. It’s hard to push yourself to study the needed hours to ace the exam if you don’t really buy into the idea of University. This is one I see all the time. Parents tell me they want support to help their teens be better students and not be lazy, but the kid tells me that they have never wanted to go to University because they want to be an artist or take a less traditional occupational path but they are afraid to tell their parents.  I’m not saying that parents shouldn’t encourage their kids to work hard, and I am not against University or nontraditional paths. What I am saying is that it’s not a motivation issue, if you never really bought into the goal in the first place.

The other reason that people do not engage in the goals that they set for themselves? They don’t believe they will be successful. This is a self-confidence and esteem issue, and it is incredibly sad. Maybe it is lack of confidence because they were never given permission to disagree or fail. It may be that being given participation awards and trophies for 18thplace has undermined their ability to tolerate failure and disconnected perseverance and hard work from their success equation. Other times lack of self-belief is a result of very difficult pieces of a person’s origin story including; trauma, enduring hardship, health issues, mental health diagnosis, physical and mental health challenges, or learning / neurological differences. I have a very real and deep compassion for anyone who is struggling to engage in their life with their own goals because of esteem. Building yourself up so that you can get out of your own way is very, very difficult, but it is possible. I wish everyone in this camp could access excellent mental health support.

It you have goals that you know you want to achieve, truly (take a long and sober look at this), AND you have the confidence to accept failure on the way, but you are still not engaged? Then you have to wrap your head around the following idea; motivation often follows action. Let me back up, FIRST, you don’t have to want to do something to do it, THEN,  motivation follows action. I don’t have to want to get to work early in the morning so that I am better positioned for the promotion, I just have to do it. After a few weeks of doing it I will probably get a comment here or there ‘nice job’ or ‘noticed your dedication’, which will provide positive reward and a little surge of dopamine in my brain to help seal the deal. Then, I will be more likely to continue getting to work because I am seeing small gains and getting used to the routine and then before you know it I actually want to be there early.

I should make a quick point also that this is where passion comes in. You’ll notice that I said most of us do things every day that we don’t necessarily want to do. Well, I have built my life around doing as little of that as possible. I did this by pursuing things that I am absolutely passionate about. I don’t have to convince myself to go to the clinic, take an extra call, or work on content for The Practice Calgary because I am passionate about it.  I thrive on clinical work, see a vision for The Practice, and find the entrepreneurial challenge enticing. We’ve grown from sole practitioner to a team of seven in as many years and just had our largest client service month to date.  I love this and so motivation is never a challenge here. Discouragement, only temporarily. Exhaustion, sure on days. But never, ever a motivation issue because I am passionate about it.

Figure out if what you think you want is what you want, identify your blocks to believing in yourself, and find your passion. Motivation or action first depends entirely on the context.

 

Best,

 

Carmen Dodsworth, R. Psyc

Founder & Clinical Director, The Practice Calgary

www.thepracticecalgary.com

403.472.5862

 

Posted on

You’ve got to start thinking of your mental health provider as a salesperson. Here’s why.

If you are a consumer of mental health services (which most of us should be), then you should think of your provider as providing a consumer-based product.  The reason that this is critically important is that it puts you in the customer mind-set, which immediately makes you more likely to speak-up when something isn’t working for you, or advocate until your needs are being met. People don’t necessarily like that, but it Is true. I’m not suggesting that you start bombarding your doctors or therapists with needs for immediate attention or threaten to withhold payment unless a demand is met, but you should be making sure that the service provider is meeting their end of the bargain.

But many people don’t. They return to therapists or mental health services that do not meet their needs, or do not deliver the service in a way that they can digest. And yet they return time and time again. This is a serious problem for me, a psychologist and clinical director of The Practice Calgary, and genuinely caring human, because it undermines mental health services everywhere. The number of times I have heard someone say that they went to a therapist and it was unproductive or unhelpful or weird, is staggering, but what is more astonishing is the overwhelming response when I ask the person what they did in that situation to get the better services…” nothing”, or “stopped going”. There are two problems here; 1. they now don’t believe in mental health services, and 2. they did not get the help they need. I am not sure which is the larger issue – perhaps it’s an issue of scale.

I am not afraid to issue both criticism and deep respect for the profession I make a home in. I am deeply humbled to be amongst colleagues who have endless appetites for understanding their human behavior in such an intense way that they believe they will somehow break through a vortex and emerge on the other side with a new and profoundly different approach or understanding of our species. I am also aware that as a profession we have a reputation of being either weird or broken. I understand that. However, if you do
not think your therapist and you live on the same planet, then how likely is it that you are going to take their advice? Seriously, think about it. People are more influenced by others who are relatable to them, and they like and feel liked by. I do not agree that a therapist needs to be removed to be objective. In fact, I believe that so much of the positive results I have seen with clients has linked back to a fairly basic start. I get it, and I care. And it’s not hard to find see what I am into or where my energy is going. I am on social media daily, I post, I blog, and I include real photos of my life. If that does not do it, then you’ll have a pretty good sense of who I am after a few minutes of talking to me, and that should be enough for you to have a bit of an inclination as to whether or not we’d work well together. The same goes for every clinician on our team.

Board, board, and Wilson

OK, this is not going to fit everyone. Some clients do want the medical-model approach. I respect that, but I am far less inclined to offer it. I can, but it is not my favorite. Some of the best experiences I have had since opening The Practice Calgary have been demanding and vocal clients, who have asked more of me, I have delivered, and they have been equally as vocal with their thanks.

This is not a blog about me being the greatest therapist. This is a blog about giving you encouragement and permission to expect more from your provider. Need notes after sessions? Great, ask for it. Need different service delivery? Great, ask for it. Need to include your dog in the session because can’t leave him alone but also need your mental health support? Great, ask for it (true story, shout out to my dog buddy N… you know who you are). Your provider is allowed to say no, but there may be a bigger conversation, a compromise, or another provider for you.

Why does this matter? Because I care deeply about my profession and hold accessible and effective mental health highly. I am a sales person. I think constantly about our consumers, meeting their needs, and going above and beyond what people expect from a provider. I value greatly the trust, time, and financial obligation of seeking out a therapist. Our team works as a team, which means that we understand that because of personality, history, demeanor
and an entirely different list of reasons (I was once declined by a client because I have a nose ring) you may not fit with

Just waiting for ‘his’ reply

your therapist. No one person is a good fit for everyone. That is why we encourage people to be verbal, tell us you love our energy but not your therapist and let us match you better. It is why we have a client care manager who follow clients from start to end to check-in with clients periodically through service to understand their experience. It’s also why right now we have “Letters to Santa” station in the waiting room for siblings (and I guarantee you I will be hand-writing replies in about 3 weeks). Service delivery and genuine caring.

 

Best,

Carmen

 

Posted on

When Your Kids’ World is Hit by Suicide

I have been compelled to write on the subject of parenting through death by suicide, because this has been something that has recently touched the lives of many young ones in our community. One blog post is not going to be enough, but there are not enough clinical hours in the day to provide care to all to families who deserve to be cared for during this time.

I spend a lot of time talking about being present, focused on right now as a way of not buying into the ‘problems’ in life, but there are times when the now in inexplicitly painful. You can’t wish or breathe your way out of the pain. Death by suicide is one of those times. People who experience a loss this way are profoundly impacted, and often feel consumed by a whirlwind of sometimes conflicting thoughts and feelings. It is a difficult time to navigate, and realistically can be hard to even know what you are feeling. Even harder to know what to do when you are trying to support your child through the loss of someone through suicide. So, I am putting here some guiding framework, from the perspective of a psychologist, parent, and mother, who has experienced the loss of clients by suicide, cared for those who lived through it, and walked the journey with spouses and children who have lost their person this way.

Talk about it. Please do not buy into the fear that talking about suicide will give your child the idea that they should die by suicide. You child already knows about suicide and is already thinking about it right now, so give them permission to talk about it. “Have you ever thought of hurting yourself on purpose?”, “Thank you for sharing, can you tell me any more about it?” are good places to start.

Do not judge the person who they have lost. Do no label suicide as ‘selfish’. First of all, because it’s wrong, suicide is not selfish, it is a loss of hope. Secondly, when you label suicide in a derogatory way, you immediately bring shame to the discussion. If your child has ever considered suicide, or does in the future, then you have immediately conveyed to them that they are a bad person for those thoughts. They will judge themselves and they will be less likely to share the thoughts with someone (like a parent) that can get them the help they need.

Do not give answers that you do not have. Speculation about what was wrong, why the person died by suicide, and what you think are possible causes are unhelpful. You don’t know, and even if you think you do know, you probably don’t (or don’t know it all). Just acknowledge that it is normal to want to know why, and that it is hard to have unanswered questions. Acknowledge that this is an extremely difficult part of suicide.

Guilt is normal. It is normal to think back to times you shared with the person, to look for signs you missed, and to find fault in yourself. This is part of trying to regain a sense of control. Sometimes it feels easier to blame ourselves then to have the audacity to be angry at someone who has died. Give your child permission to feel angry. Assure them that it is normal to feel guilty, and that the guilt is misplaced. Decline the invitation to guilt. It is not their fault.

Let them feel what they feel.  Instead of telling them what they feel, let them know that it is ok for their feelings to be everywhere. This is messy, and messy is ok. Invite them to talk about it, but don’t make them talk about it. Let them know you’ll be thinking of them and that you are always there to talk to about it, but that you won’t ask them about it all the time. Set a time when you will check back in with them about it. Do not try to bubble wrap them, and do not turn into a helicopter.

You don’t have to be their therapist. Lots of people think about suicide and although parents get uncomfortable when I say this, it is true. Many, many people have vague thoughts about suicide and sometimes this can reflect a desire to escape. However, it should still not be dismissed. A professional can help you figure out where these thoughts are coming from, and can appropriately assess for risk. Trained professionals are not being a parent to your child, they are asking safe questions to help them understand if your child has made plans to end their life, and if there is intention associated with those plans. A psychologist will develop a plan to keep your child safe, and help develop a language that you and your child can use to communicate around their safety. You can also provide your child with the number for phone or chat crisis-counselling if you are concerned, and make sure they know that you will let them keep what they discuss private.

Help them be a friend, not a therapist. When suicide strikes a community of youth, everyone will react in their own way. Some will move through it quickly, others may take a while. Encourage your kid not to judge that, because no one really knows how each person is doing with it and if they are grieving or suppressing. It is good for them to share and provide comfort to their community, but do let your child know that it is better for them to talk to an adult if they are concerned about how their friend is doing. There are many, many different subtle ways to get help for their friend without your child being identified, so don’t let that be a barrier.

Everyone is allowed to be impacted. Knowing someone who dies by suicide is shocking. Even having met someone who had died this way is shocking. You are allowed to have a reaction. Parents, you are allowed to have a reaction. People stifle their emotions or dismiss their thoughts because they do not think they knew the person long enough, well enough, or have not seen them recent enough to grieve. Wrong. Grief is grief and you feel how you feel.

Self-care, self-care, and more self-care. Experiencing a death by suicide is a shock to your child’s heart and brain. They may have a hard time sleeping, concentrating, or remembering. They may be different from their normal emotional selves for a little while, and may be more emotional overall. If they are having moments, help them calm and when you can you could ask them if they think this is grief showing up. Don’t tell them it is, but you can ask.

Tell the School. I am a big proponent of solid communication between the school and home. Your kid brings their whole

Teenage Student Studying Hard — Image by © Randy Faris/Corbis

self to school, and they bring their school experiences home. The teacher may notice your child is not paying attention or is overly frustrated, and knowing the context equips them with the information they need to appropriately respond to your child. Look at it this way, telling the teachers won’t hurt.

Guide Social Media. Social media means that there’s a good chance your child learned of the death before you could tell them, and that they may heard many sensationalized pieces of information about what happened. It’s normal for kids to talk to each other about this; however, sometimes the recycling of half-truths and speculation and experiencing the shock of others over and over can be overwhelming. Although I am a proponent of social medial, this is a time for heavy parent involvement. Talk to them about taking a break from it for a night, and see if they will share with you the kinds of things they are hearing on-line.  Be involved and try to drive the conversation to how they are feeling over the on-line content.

Early in my career I heard that suicide is like standing in a burning building, the person sees death by fire or death from jumping out. I wish so badly I could remember where I heard this. I gravitate to this because it reflects the loss of hope that is at the core. If we can talk about suicide, remove shame from mental health challenges, and not judge a person by their struggle then maybe people will be able to open up more.

If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, please do not try to carry this alone. Go to your local emergency room, or contact the police.

Best,

Carmen Dodsworth

Kids Help Phone 1-800-668-6868

Distress Center 403-266-4357 (HELP)

Resource: The Canadian Association of Suicide Prevention
https://suicideprevention.ca/need-help/

Posted on

Ever feel like positive intentions aren’t enough?

Today is a grind, and although I really do believe in positive intentions and focusing on good stories in my life there are times where that seems too far away. Since Thursday I have been driving nonstop, to work, volleyball tournaments, shopping, and home. It has felt like I have lived in my car, and only used my house for 8-hour stop overs in between. I am under-slept, under-exercised, and under-laughed. I added fuel to the fire by seriously eating garbage all weekend. Now I have stopped, the kids are at their work, Geoff is away for work, and now it is me and a houseful of unmet responsibilities staring each other down. I’m looking over at Wilson, and he’s giving me that look. He know’s I know better. Now I’ve got to dig out of this deflated state and stop this from becoming a downward spiral. 

First things first, throw away the clock. I tend to stare at the clock on days like today, and constantly think about how quickly my down time is slipping by.  And it’s natural for people to make everything around them seem more important than it is when they are feeling down or under pressure. This adds an unneeded sense of urgency to the day, and overall breeds discontent. I end up rehearsing everything that I have to do today, which rents a lot of space in my brain and leaves very little to even notice let alone feel grateful for the things that I appreciate. There are things that would be good to get to, but realistically what I ‘need’ is oxygen, water, and usually food (although after this weekend the latter is debatable). The rest of the things on the list may be important, but they are not urgent and my life will go on fine if I don’t get to them. People need to focus more on the quality of what they are doing (whether it is the quality of the task or the quality of the life experience while the task is being done) and less on what they think about the task or what is next. It is your life and it is made up of small moments, so if I were to turn to day around it would mean that I was fully in the moment rather in my complaint or list of what was next.

Re-focus. Look big picture. Although executing today will require me to sit and look at the small picture to work out of a slump (that’s coming next), the big picture perspective can help. In the big picture, I want to build a community are The Practice Calgary, have a loving and fun home environment, serve the people I interact with by giving my best in each moment, and take care of myself in a way that facilitates me fully being in and enjoying my life. When I remember these things then I can see that being rundown today does not stop me. It does, however, mean that addressing my fatigue becomes my first point of focus because I understand that all of the other goals I have rest on how I am doing. I know that I won’t get to 100% today, but I right now I feel way, way too close to the bottom of that scale to manage for more than a day. It is my responsibility to do something about it.

When I hit a wall I generally coach myself to take the next step, and then the one after that. Whether very low, or overwhelmed the best place to start is the single step. Make it simple and think about a 1 – 10 scale, 1 is the lowest and 10 is the highest (think vacation, receiving gifts, winning the lottery) and put yourself, right now on the scale. Then just think about what you have to do to move up or down the scale. I always include the down, because too much focus is on the up and it is important that we realize that we play a part in pushing ourselves further down too.  So if I choose to eat junk, go back to bed, or binge on my favorite shows I am sure I’ll go to bed tonight feeling at least as rough.  If I try to eat something that is close to green, exercise, or at the very least get out of my pajamas (keeping it real here), then I am more likely to turn it around. If I really want to try to dig out then I can do some laundry (accomplishing simple tasks helps with feelings of overwhelm) or get to some of The Practice Calgary work that is sitting the corner of the room beside the vacuum waiting for me to notice it.  Scale it. Once you take one or two steps to move you in the direction you want to go, you’ll probably be at a different number and can continue on the trend. Even if you don’t make it to a 7, you can at least not hit a 1. Also, managing it this way can open up our minds to tomorrow being OK, waking up in a better place, and helps us not allow the snowball of a down day to start an avalanche.

Do these things really matter? Can you actually make a difference in your life by doing the laundry, or making a point of working out? Yes, every time.  Long term success, change, or wellbeing (whatever your focus is)  occurs when you figure out the minutia of what you need to do daily, and then commit to do it.

Best,

Carmen Dodsworth