First, I will paint the scene for you. You’ve been talking all week about your kid coming home alone after school on Friday. It is a rare occasion, normally the kids are picked up and taxied wherever they need to be. You have reluctantly agreed to this, and double checked the checkpoint list together. The bases are covered. You’ve been texting – confirming the plan as it unfolds and hoping that all is going smoothly. Then, once the plan has reached a point of no return, you get the call, “I don’t have my key!”
What is the honest response that most parents will have?
“Why don’t you have your key?” (or some version of that).
Don’t. Just don’t say it.
How is asking them ‘why’ helpful? Most of the time asking our kids ‘why’, teaches them to lie to us. What we are really saying is: give me a reason for this situation that will explain it in a way that is acceptable to me. We are testing them. If our kids pass this test then we aren’t going to be as mad at them. From a kids perspective the stakes are pretty high, unless of course we are always mad at them and they no longer try to prevent that. The same rules that apply for us apply for our kids because after all, we are just human.
Think about the last stupid, forgetful, or mean thing you did or said. Now explain why you did that. We don’t always know why. If we do know why, we might not be proud of the reason. So, we wouldn’t really be prone to fessing up to it especially when we are pressed by someone demanding. In general, people are less vulnerable and introspective when they are stressed. Kids are not going to dig deep and really learn from whatever went wrong when they are in the moment of ‘crisis’ or problem.
What else should we not say in this situation? Generally, anything that comes after “You are ___” . Making character statements and generalizations will block learning, increase shame, escalate the situation, and fracture relationship. When we take a learning moment and turn it into a belief statement about our kids, they learn not to trust us with failure. They learn that making a mistake is wrong, to hide mistakes that are made, and they will probably identify with the character statement you make. The easiest way to create an irresponsible kid is to convince them that they are irresponsible.
Of course, you do get to have those discussions about what happened, just not in that moment. In that moment, be predictably helpful. Later, when the situation has resolved, you can circle back and teach. Although, mostly associated with punishment, discipline is the most obsolete meaning of instruction. Present day Merriam-Webster notes that discipline refers to “training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character”. Most of us parents will tend towards punishment if we rush into the situation (often when angry) and apply what may seem at the time to be a reasonable response. If you use discipline in a corrective way, when you and the child are ready, then you will be training and your child will be learning.
So…the situation I depicted here was of course real and I managed to put approximately 75% of my own advice into action. I did mutter a version of “why”, more like “are you serious?!” I was very obviously perturbed, but I did stop it there. I asked her to wait outside and said that I would call her back in a minute. I took several deep and obvious breaths, reminded myself that this was annoying but harmless, carried on with my grocery shop for one or two minutes, and then felt myself calm right down. It actually wasn’t a big deal. Then, I called her back and together we problem solved. She thanked me for helping and not being mad. I acknowledged that I was pretty annoyed. I didn’t circle back on this one, because I don’t need to. She already explained that she had changed her back pack the morning of the event and missed the key. An easy mistake and not a recurring situation.
~C.D