In the first week since classes were suspended I have noticed that in addition to anxiety about financial difficulties and fears of a loved one becoming ill, many parents are struggling to keep guilt at bay while transitioning to home-schooling. Yesterday one mom noted that guilt is running on high in her Face Book Mom’s group that is now proliferated with down to the minute color coded schedules, learning times, snack time, and ‘guided free play’. There is a pressure to be at-home (yes, listen to that one), and to be mom, teacher, after-school care provider, leaving no room for the parent to be human, emotional, or exhausted.
As someone who has worked in the field of mental health and child development for twenty years, please let me tell you that it is good and OK to take it slow. Relax. Think of it this way, when a new teacher joins a class or a new school year begins, no one is running on full educational mode the very first day.
The younger the child, often the longer the period of adjustment, and this would be particularly true if there were any high stress or traumatic event that preceded the new teacher or school. As I encouraged earlier this week, we will adjust to this new normal, but we need to give ourselves time to adjust. Remember that young kids are always learning in some form when they read during game time, count the number on a dice, or cook a meal.
Learning is predicated on relationship, which includes relationship to the teacher, to the school environment, and to self as a learner. You do not have to have it all figured out on the first day of this long-term change. In fact, take it easy and have a looser schedule that you can build on after you see how both you and your child(ren) are doing. If you are anxious and overloaded, you cannot expect yourself to keep calm when you are dealing with challenging behaviors or a frustrated learner. You are not a superhero and should not expect yourself to be ‘on’ all day long. Breaks for everyone in the house is recommended, and in the long run will be essential. I am inviting parents to be as thoughtful about the impact of home-schooling on their relationship with their child as they are on the educational goals.
Here are a few thoughts for week one:
1. Dealing with boredom is a life-skill, and one that teaches kids early skills for emotional regulation. Sitting, without a screen to entertain them, requires a child to feel a difficult feeling, recognize it without overreacting to it, and make a choice about what they would like to do about it. Do not fill every minute of the day.
Many parents feel pressured to have every minute planned and the day chalked full of learning or physical activities. Resist this, especially in the early days and weeks of home schooling.
2. Free play is not the same as parent-guided play. Most parents have a very hard time playing with their child without introjecting and filling the gaps. This is great because it allows the child to practice social skills like being flexible and adopting the ideas of others; however, playing on their own is different altogether. Solo play allows kids to process their own ideas, create freely, and be responsible for their own entertainment.
3. Promote rupture and repair of attachment. This means that during an activity, you transition the child in and then excuse yourself for a brief moment, with a promise to return. Then return at the scheduled promise. If your child is too young to tell time then you can say, “I will be right back I am just going to load the dishwasher…”, then make sure you come back. If your child is glued to you, then this will require a lot of encouragement and practice, and you may have to leave the play and stay in the room initially. Down the road this will enable you to complete a small task like a putting in a load of laundry, rather than being 100% on deck for your child and cramming those tasks in to their nap time.
4. Quiet time is recommended. This is solo time in their room if possible. They can nap, read, play quietly, and you should rest too. Please do not fill this with work tasks or social media. Your mental health is important.
5. Screen time does not make you a bad parent. Yes, some parents keep the screens running in their house, use screens to entertain whenever their child really just needs attention, and don’t monitor what their child is watching. For those parents, screen time is negative and harmful. However, thoughtful screen time in the midst of active parenting is not worthy of the guilt it causes. If you are the only parent at home, and you have been actively working with your child, and you need to prepare dinner but every time you try it ends up with you losing your temper and the child in an outburst, then I would suggest that this is a useful time to use screens. Be thoughtful and intentional, and stop vilifying yourself. The other reality is that many learning activities now utilize a screen
6. Get outside daily, and be considerate of yourself. You may be experiencing a dip in mood and energy, and although you believe a ‘good’ parent would run laps around the yard chasing a ball, you really should be realistic about your energy level and emotional state, and perhaps take a walk instead? Use outdoor activity as an aide to you so that you can get a mental break in your day. Most kids are like wind-up toys, and so small outings rather than large ones are often more helpful.
7. Use technology to connect your kids to their peers and family. Short video calls to chat, show each other the latest creative masterpiece, and be silly can be very helpful. The younger the kid, the shorter the time will likely be, but it can still help them to see someone other than their family.
We’re here to support you, and each other, by phone or FaceTime during this challenging time. *photo taken many weeks ago*
Remember that many providers, including our team, are offering FaceTime and telephone support to families at this time. Please reach out if you are struggling.