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What do you really want? What are you doing to get it? Many of us can say the goals we think we want, we even know a lot about what we should do to reach them, but time and time again we just can’t get going or we can’t keep going. In reality, there are fairly common roadblocks to change that I address in my work with clients.

1. Many change plans fail because people underestimate the impact of not addressing their mindset. You can have all the tools, well-made plans, and support available to you but if you do not get your mindset right then it will be next to impossible to create lasting change. Often, we are more committed to our vision of how we see things, what we believe about ourselves and the world than we are to the change we wish we could see. Learn about how you think and the assumptions you make about yourself and the world. Nothing will take the wind out of your sails faster than bullying self-talk.

2. We don’t accept the realities of life. Frustration, sadness, fatigue and setbacks are all inevitable realities in life. Many of us set out on a path and convince ourselves that  this time we are committed enough. Committed enough to what? Unfortunately, we often mean that we are committed enough not to experience some of the inevitable realities of life. If we misinterpret these experiences as indications that our plan is not good enough, assume it means that we will inevitably fail, or that we are incapable of actually making these changes, then we will quit. Our reactions to reality become significant sources of frustration, our motivation drops, and we once again make an incorrect assumption – that our lack of motivation is a reason to quit.

3. Waiting for the magical moment is another saboteur of change. Why? Because there is no magical moment. We live in a world of mostly instant gratification, surface level communication and distraction. Most of us have become increasingly impatient and unfamiliar with real-life. When you stop smoking, there is no magical moment in which you become a non-smoker, when you go on a diet there is no instant in which you become healthy, and when you start exercising there is no set time when you become an athlete. You won’t suddenly feel different, and when you wait for that you are likely to give-up out of a false belief that what you are doing is making no difference. To be clear, there is no neutral, you are always moving in a direction towards or away from the things you want. It is more correct and motivating for you to identify yourself as a health-conscious, non-smoking athlete the day you begin the change process.

4. But it feels awkward. Of course it does! You have made a change and while you are adapting and integrating these changes into your life and sense of self it will feel weird. It is like learning a foreign language and requires a lot of conscious thought and tolerance for things not to be natural to you in the beginning. First you will feel awkward disengagement and even a sense of disorientation. This is the ‘fake it till you make it’ phrase that blasted motivational speaking circuits in the 80s. What many of those speakers forgot to highlight is the important of letting go before you can fully engage with and integrate the changes you have made.

5. We define it wrong. During the change process, it is very important to consider what your measure of success is. Nobody can lose 50lbs. today, but you can take action today. If you define success by showing-up consistently, then you can identify success in a very short amount of time. The mantra I repeat to myself almost daily is to “show up today”, it is obtainable and allows me to have low energy days and days where I hit it out of the park. Both are successes. Also, if you pay attention to the positive feeling that you have when you leave the gym (more awake, less stressed, better mood) instead of the number on the scale, then the change will be more reinforcing. The scale can be part of the big picture, but the habits you create in the short and medium term should be your focus first.

6. We don’t actually want it, but we think we do. The best example for this is the beach body. So many people think they want the beach body, but they have never actually thought about what goes with that. Calories, hours in the gym, no alcohol. All deal breakers because that is not the life they picture for themselves. Before you embark on a change plan stop and look realistically at what it will look like and ask yourself whether that is something that really fits you.

Carmen.

Every year around the winter daylight savings time change, we see a significant influx of crisis calls from familiar and new clients. Most people will share that they can’t put their finger on any one specific thing, but rather allude to a sense of not being ‘ok’ and of losing the capacity to cope with life. This is often accompanied by anguish that they are not ‘ok’ and fear or shame that something is truly inherently wrong with them. There is some relief in knowing that you are not alone in feeling this way, and still there is a sense of feeling like you should be different. If by different you mean not human, then OK. If it is a sense of you needing to be super human so that you don’t have these types of human experiences, then read on.

 

 

Today the sun rose at 7:55am, and it will set at 4:49pm. That is a lot of darkness. When the sunlight touches us, our bodies release serotonin which is a hormone that significantly impacts our mood. It lifts and regulates our emotional state. When we are exposed to darkness melatonin is released, which makes us feel sleepy. The sunlight also helps with many other good things like Vitamin D, which plays a role in memory, focus, and stress responses. On top of the impact of darkness, the shortened days and cold weather mean a significant reduction in fun for many of us. Life can become even more monotonous and filled with to-do tasks, rather than I-want-to activities. The change of the clock is also the time when we really, really realize that summer is over and we are feeling the effects of the first snow fall. September’s excitement and novelty has long worn off. Christmas holidays are too far to be excited about and tend to seem like an ever longer to-do list this far out. And because we are at the start of winter, many of us have not transitioned yet and are still in the “I hate this weather” mentality. (On a side note, we should all think about the concept of living in a northern climate and complaining about the snow). So, when all of these changes compound as they do around this time of the year, people feel less vibrant, motivated, awake, and happy. Less like themselves. However, there are things that can be done to set yourself up for feeling better. Make small, manageable and maintainable, lifestyle changes.

So many people tell me that lifestyle strategies to help with mood don’t really work. What I think they may actually be saying is that they don’t work immediately or in a large way. There is no real instant gratification to making small changes other than to know that you are doing something productive. The most immediate difference you may notice is an improved sense of esteem. There is another way to look at it though. Do you know what I am doing when I don’t go to bed early? Staying up late, drinking wine, and preparing my next day sluggish mildly hung-over feeling. When I am drinking a litre of water to brighten up, I am probably avoiding the third, fourth or fifth cup of caffeine that will wake me in the night for a quick review of everything I forgot to do that day. When I am in the gym or out for a walk? I am less likely to be turning to over-done fistfuls of carbohydrates as a way of boosting my mood or energy. It doesn’t mean that those things don’t happen, but they are less frequent and less severe when they do. Managing our wellbeing is not as simple as avoiding bad habits, it is about adding in positive ones too.

Complaining about inevitable realities is another drain on our mood. People tend to underestimate how much the negative commentary that we keep impacts our mental state. It is Calgary, and it is cold. Why be upset about it? Being overly negative about snow, weather, dark and short days, reflects a mental state of stress. These are predictable circumstances, that will continue to happen whether you are OK with it or not. When you find a situation in your life that presents repeatedly you can either; change the situation, change yourself, or leave. In this case you could either change Calgary’s weather, change the way you think about the weather, or move. But, to stay in Calgary and react constantly to this situation is toxic.

Obviously two of the options are not feasible for us, although I suppose some could move. The option to change your thoughts about it is reasonable. This does not mean that you have to LOVE the weather, but you could at the very least be neutral about it.  Sure, I’d love a warm sunny day, but if it is going to be cold and snowy then maybe I can light the fire, make a hot drink, and eat dinner there. I have learned to love winter sports, not because it is natural for me to do that, but instead because I place a great deal of value on fun and time with family and friends. I don’t appreciate the darkness, but I have responded to it by taking vitamins and altering my clinical schedule a little to allow for me to be home slightly earlier so that I can sneak in a quick walk with my very poorly behaved dog (and usually a family member or two). I’ve had to wake up much, much earlier than I would like to but I choose to create time for some ‘life’ activities before I start the clinical work so that I don’t feel off-balance or build a life of all-work. Stop and take some time to look at the life you have constructed, be clear about what is in your control, and be intentional about the way you engage with your circumstances.

 

Every running race I have done, I have found great relief when I pass the half-way mark. So, it is no surprise that I know there is only 36 more days until Winter Solstice, the day that will bring the reversal of the shortening of our days. Challenge yourself to write down a few small changes, and see if you can maintain them most days until Solstice. Bed early, less alcohol, more exercise, healthier diet, meditation, vitamins, less complaining…whatever you choose just be sure it fits you and make absolutely sure you include a goal of fun.

~C.D

This week I have done a reasonable job of helping my kids face what feels like, in their world, a disaster. It may seem like an odd thing for a parent to identify as a parenting success, but it is a critical skill for us to help our offspring develop. The thing is that a lot of the time when we think we are helping our kids through difficulty, we are actually solving it for them. Whether it is a little kid who has had their toy stolen by another toddler, a middle school kid who is being picked on (not bullied), or a high school student who is not prepared for their school asignment . 

This week my situation involved the latter. My son realized at bedtime that he was dramatically unprepared for the next day. An assignment he forgot he had, a test that he knew he had but thought it was on another day, and pre-class preparation that he did not feel confident in. He had insisted he was ready for the day, and then made the mistake perhaps of looking at his calendar right before bed only to learn the reality of the situation. Then, he panicked.

First of all, this is not a teachable moment. This is not the time to talk about checking calendars earlier or being responsible, or any other parenting tangent that one may be tempted to go on. It is also not a moment to bail him out. Of course, I want to see him be successful, and I want him to do well in school and feel confident. I could have sat up with him and ‘helped him’. It would realistically have translated to me doing a lot of the work because I could see he was exhausted, it was late, and his brain was cooked. I could have schemed with him to keep him home the next day or send in a note to the teachers. These things would have calmed him down and fixed his problem. It also would have removed the consequence of not checking the calendar, taught him to get out of things, and robbed him of the opportunity to practice managing disappointment.

I had to support him and stay calm. I had to actually remind myself that his entire life does not ride on this day. And I had to reassure him that even though tomorrow was going to be hard, and that he might not do his best on the exam, he would be OK. Sometimes, I told him, your best on a given day is not the best you can do and that is OK.

Slowly and painfully we need to shift our perspective as parents. Our job is not to stop our kids from facing difficulty. It is to sit with our kids and help them endure it. In doing this we show them that life is full of ups and downs, they are capable, and they are not alone.

~C.D

First, I will paint the scene for you. You’ve been talking all week about your kid coming home alone after school on Friday. It is a rare occasion, normally the kids are picked up and taxied wherever they need to be. You have reluctantly agreed to this, and double checked the checkpoint list together. The bases are covered. You’ve been texting –  confirming the plan as it unfolds and hoping that all is going smoothly. Then, once the plan has reached a point of no return, you get the call, “I don’t have my key!”

What is the honest response that most parents will have?

“Why don’t you have your key?” (or some version of that).

Don’t. Just don’t say it.

How is asking them ‘why’ helpful? Most of the time asking our kids ‘why’, teaches them to lie to us. What we are really saying is: give me a reason for this situation that will explain it in a way that is acceptable to me. We are testing them. If our kids pass this test then we aren’t going to be as mad at them. From a kids perspective the stakes are pretty high, unless of course we are always mad at them and they no longer try to prevent that. The same rules that apply for us apply for our kids because after all, we are just human.

Think about the last stupid, forgetful, or mean thing you did or said. Now explain why you did that. We don’t always know why. If we do know why, we might not be proud of the reason. So, we wouldn’t really be prone to fessing up to it especially when we are pressed by someone demanding. In general, people are less vulnerable and introspective when they are stressed. Kids are not going to dig deep and really learn from whatever went wrong when they are in the moment of ‘crisis’ or problem.

What else should we not say in this situation? Generally, anything that comes after “You are ___” . Making character statements and generalizations will block learning, increase shame, escalate the situation, and fracture relationship. When we take a learning moment and turn it into a belief statement about our kids, they learn not to trust us with failure. They learn that making a mistake is wrong, to hide mistakes that are made, and they will probably identify with the character statement you make. The easiest way to create an irresponsible kid is to convince them that they are irresponsible.

Of course, you do get to have those discussions about what happened, just not in that moment. In that moment, be predictably helpful. Later, when the situation has resolved, you can circle back and teach. Although, mostly associated with punishment, discipline is the most obsolete meaning of instruction. Present day Merriam-Webster notes that discipline refers to “training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character”.  Most of us parents will tend towards punishment if we rush into the situation (often when angry) and apply what may seem at the time to be a reasonable response. If you use discipline in a corrective way, when you and the child are ready, then you will be training and your child will be learning.

So…the situation I depicted here was of course real and I managed to put approximately 75% of my own advice into action. I did mutter a version of “why”, more like “are you serious?!” I was very obviously perturbed, but I did stop it there. I asked her to wait outside and said that I would call her back in a minute. I took several deep and obvious breaths, reminded myself that this was annoying but harmless, carried on with my grocery shop for one or two minutes, and then felt myself calm right down. It actually wasn’t a big deal. Then, I called her back and together we problem solved.  She thanked me for helping and not being mad. I acknowledged that I was pretty annoyed. I didn’t circle back on this one, because I don’t need to. She already explained that she had changed her back pack the morning of the event and missed the key. An easy mistake and not a recurring situation.

~C.D