Category: Uncategorized

We’ve been away from social media, more or less, for the last couple of months. This was on purpose. Christy and I have been working behind the scenes to realign, revision, and launch new initiatives for The Practice Calgary. That’s the official statement, and it is true. But the deeper truth is that I was taking a walk with uncertainty.  It really does not matter how ‘successful’ a person has been, or capable they have felt or been perceived as, insecurity and uncertainty don’t care. It is Ok to acknowledge it.

I took a step back because I wasn’t entirely clear where I was at, and where we were going. I recognized it when I observed where my energy was going, and it seemed that somewhere along the line I began promoting instead of communicating. I was second guessing, and looking at the likes, instead of focusing on who we are and what our vision is. When I could see this, I allowed myself to ‘not know’ and reminded myself that there is no urgency. The timeline is false, as timelines generally are. In this period, I really focused on what I know to be true for me; working with clients, friends and family, meditation and reflection, running, and fun. Amazing things happen when you let go.

The clarity came when Christy and I returned to the original business plan. We could see what had been pushed aside, what no longer fit, and what we are doing very well. During the weeks of sitting with uncertainty, who had become like a rather annoying child as opposed to a frightening adversary, my clarity grew and with that came confidence. “Ok, so uncertainty, you’re still here. You can come along, but I’m going to go ahead and ignore you”. Finally, I could see our vision, mission, and goals. Together we could dream out loud again! Another thing happened during our retreat, at the exact moment that I felt the welling surge of insecurity rearing to a point of killing my plausible deniability, our business surged (amazing, thank you <3). Planned happenstance. This is what we have been waiting for; three wildly talented and experienced professionals joined our team (amazing story for another time). Christy and I have learned a great deal in the years we have fostered The Practice Calgary, most important we learned to lean our intuition. We have long-identified a need for experienced clinicians to grow our team, but countless interviews have ended up with us going with our gut “not the right fit”. So, in spite of my predicament, when the right people emerged, we felt it was the only move was to welcome new team members. Ever felt compelled forward, even though internally you are feeling more than a little lost? When exactly what you have been dreaming of manifests into reality you don’t exactly tell the Universe that you need a minute to collect yourself.

The vision for The Practice Calgary is to normalize emotional and mental health by being a team of real and approachable professionals. The vision is to truly be a safe and welcoming health and wellness home where the helpers are transparent and experienced, and where the guidance is real (no, you do not have to look in the mirror and Guy Smiley it). Mental health should be as acceptable as physical health. This means internally we must have people who want to be there, who are happy to be there, who live well and hold a genuine place of non-judgement. If we are not supporting each other, then we have no business supporting you. Socially responsible. That is an absolute actionable goal and this is what, in hindsight, caused my Instagram energy to morph into a brick wall in perfect time for me to hit it. To me socially responsible means honest. Social media can be great, but it can do a lot of damage by skewing our perception of life. Honest, real, and thought provoking. Never for ‘likes’ and never staged. The intention is as important as the action.

So, thank-you uncertainty for causing us to hit pause. Thank you to an amazing team and community that allowed us to sit quietly. Now we feel energized and excited to continue making mental health real and relatable, break down barriers to getting support, and to have a lot of fun while we do it! We’d love for you to keep in touch with us. We’ll be introducing our team, letting you know about community engagement evenings (starting with a no-cost Evening with Dr. Liann Meloff, R Psyc on “Preparing Your Child for Success”), and putting out lots of real content on all sorts of mental health and wellness topics!

Best, Carmen

I have been compelled to write on the subject of parenting through death by suicide, because this has been something that has recently touched the lives of many young ones in our community. One blog post is not going to be enough, but there are not enough clinical hours in the day to provide care to all to families who deserve to be cared for during this time.

I spend a lot of time talking about being present, focused on right now as a way of not buying into the ‘problems’ in life, but there are times when the now in inexplicitly painful. You can’t wish or breathe your way out of the pain. Death by suicide is one of those times. People who experience a loss this way are profoundly impacted, and often feel consumed by a whirlwind of sometimes conflicting thoughts and feelings. It is a difficult time to navigate, and realistically can be hard to even know what you are feeling. Even harder to know what to do when you are trying to support your child through the loss of someone through suicide. So, I am putting here some guiding framework, from the perspective of a psychologist, parent, and mother, who has experienced the loss of clients by suicide, cared for those who lived through it, and walked the journey with spouses and children who have lost their person this way.

Talk about it. Please do not buy into the fear that talking about suicide will give your child the idea that they should die by suicide. You child already knows about suicide and is already thinking about it right now, so give them permission to talk about it. “Have you ever thought of hurting yourself on purpose?”, “Thank you for sharing, can you tell me any more about it?” are good places to start.

Do not judge the person who they have lost. Do no label suicide as ‘selfish’. First of all, because it’s wrong, suicide is not selfish, it is a loss of hope. Secondly, when you label suicide in a derogatory way, you immediately bring shame to the discussion. If your child has ever considered suicide, or does in the future, then you have immediately conveyed to them that they are a bad person for those thoughts. They will judge themselves and they will be less likely to share the thoughts with someone (like a parent) that can get them the help they need.

Do not give answers that you do not have. Speculation about what was wrong, why the person died by suicide, and what you think are possible causes are unhelpful. You don’t know, and even if you think you do know, you probably don’t (or don’t know it all). Just acknowledge that it is normal to want to know why, and that it is hard to have unanswered questions. Acknowledge that this is an extremely difficult part of suicide.

Guilt is normal. It is normal to think back to times you shared with the person, to look for signs you missed, and to find fault in yourself. This is part of trying to regain a sense of control. Sometimes it feels easier to blame ourselves then to have the audacity to be angry at someone who has died. Give your child permission to feel angry. Assure them that it is normal to feel guilty, and that the guilt is misplaced. Decline the invitation to guilt. It is not their fault.

Let them feel what they feel.  Instead of telling them what they feel, let them know that it is ok for their feelings to be everywhere. This is messy, and messy is ok. Invite them to talk about it, but don’t make them talk about it. Let them know you’ll be thinking of them and that you are always there to talk to about it, but that you won’t ask them about it all the time. Set a time when you will check back in with them about it. Do not try to bubble wrap them, and do not turn into a helicopter.

You don’t have to be their therapist. Lots of people think about suicide and although parents get uncomfortable when I say this, it is true. Many, many people have vague thoughts about suicide and sometimes this can reflect a desire to escape. However, it should still not be dismissed. A professional can help you figure out where these thoughts are coming from, and can appropriately assess for risk. Trained professionals are not being a parent to your child, they are asking safe questions to help them understand if your child has made plans to end their life, and if there is intention associated with those plans. A psychologist will develop a plan to keep your child safe, and help develop a language that you and your child can use to communicate around their safety. You can also provide your child with the number for phone or chat crisis-counselling if you are concerned, and make sure they know that you will let them keep what they discuss private.

Help them be a friend, not a therapist. When suicide strikes a community of youth, everyone will react in their own way. Some will move through it quickly, others may take a while. Encourage your kid not to judge that, because no one really knows how each person is doing with it and if they are grieving or suppressing. It is good for them to share and provide comfort to their community, but do let your child know that it is better for them to talk to an adult if they are concerned about how their friend is doing. There are many, many different subtle ways to get help for their friend without your child being identified, so don’t let that be a barrier.

Everyone is allowed to be impacted. Knowing someone who dies by suicide is shocking. Even having met someone who had died this way is shocking. You are allowed to have a reaction. Parents, you are allowed to have a reaction. People stifle their emotions or dismiss their thoughts because they do not think they knew the person long enough, well enough, or have not seen them recent enough to grieve. Wrong. Grief is grief and you feel how you feel.

Self-care, self-care, and more self-care. Experiencing a death by suicide is a shock to your child’s heart and brain. They may have a hard time sleeping, concentrating, or remembering. They may be different from their normal emotional selves for a little while, and may be more emotional overall. If they are having moments, help them calm and when you can you could ask them if they think this is grief showing up. Don’t tell them it is, but you can ask.

Tell the School. I am a big proponent of solid communication between the school and home. Your kid brings their whole

self to school, and they bring their school experiences home. The teacher may notice your child is not paying attention or is overly frustrated, and knowing the context equips them with the information they need to appropriately respond to your child. Look at it this way, telling the teachers won’t hurt.

Guide Social Media. Social media means that there’s a good chance your child learned of the death before you could tell them, and that they may heard many sensationalized pieces of information about what happened. It’s normal for kids to talk to each other about this; however, sometimes the recycling of half-truths and speculation and experiencing the shock of others over and over can be overwhelming. Although I am a proponent of social medial, this is a time for heavy parent involvement. Talk to them about taking a break from it for a night, and see if they will share with you the kinds of things they are hearing on-line.  Be involved and try to drive the conversation to how they are feeling over the on-line content.

Early in my career I heard that suicide is like standing in a burning building, the person sees death by fire or death from jumping out. I wish so badly I could remember where I heard this. I gravitate to this because it reflects the loss of hope that is at the core. If we can talk about suicide, remove shame from mental health challenges, and not judge a person by their struggle then maybe people will be able to open up more.

If you or someone you know is thinking about suicide, please do not try to carry this alone. Go to your local emergency room, or contact the police.

Best,

Carmen Dodsworth

Kids Help Phone 1-800-668-6868

Distress Center 403-266-4357 (HELP)

Resource: The Canadian Association of Suicide Prevention
https://suicideprevention.ca/need-help/

Today is a grind, and although I really do believe in positive intentions and focusing on good stories in my life there are times where that seems too far away. Since Thursday I have been driving nonstop, to work, volleyball tournaments, shopping, and home. It has felt like I have lived in my car, and only used my house for 8-hour stop overs in between. I am under-slept, under-exercised, and under-laughed. I added fuel to the fire by seriously eating garbage all weekend. Now I have stopped, the kids are at their work, Geoff is away for work, and now it is me and a houseful of unmet responsibilities staring each other down. I’m looking over at Wilson, and he’s giving me that look. He know’s I know better. Now I’ve got to dig out of this deflated state and stop this from becoming a downward spiral. 

First things first, throw away the clock. I tend to stare at the clock on days like today, and constantly think about how quickly my down time is slipping by.  And it’s natural for people to make everything around them seem more important than it is when they are feeling down or under pressure. This adds an unneeded sense of urgency to the day, and overall breeds discontent. I end up rehearsing everything that I have to do today, which rents a lot of space in my brain and leaves very little to even notice let alone feel grateful for the things that I appreciate. There are things that would be good to get to, but realistically what I ‘need’ is oxygen, water, and usually food (although after this weekend the latter is debatable). The rest of the things on the list may be important, but they are not urgent and my life will go on fine if I don’t get to them. People need to focus more on the quality of what they are doing (whether it is the quality of the task or the quality of the life experience while the task is being done) and less on what they think about the task or what is next. It is your life and it is made up of small moments, so if I were to turn to day around it would mean that I was fully in the moment rather in my complaint or list of what was next.

Re-focus. Look big picture. Although executing today will require me to sit and look at the small picture to work out of a slump (that’s coming next), the big picture perspective can help. In the big picture, I want to build a community are The Practice Calgary, have a loving and fun home environment, serve the people I interact with by giving my best in each moment, and take care of myself in a way that facilitates me fully being in and enjoying my life. When I remember these things then I can see that being rundown today does not stop me. It does, however, mean that addressing my fatigue becomes my first point of focus because I understand that all of the other goals I have rest on how I am doing. I know that I won’t get to 100% today, but I right now I feel way, way too close to the bottom of that scale to manage for more than a day. It is my responsibility to do something about it.

When I hit a wall I generally coach myself to take the next step, and then the one after that. Whether very low, or overwhelmed the best place to start is the single step. Make it simple and think about a 1 – 10 scale, 1 is the lowest and 10 is the highest (think vacation, receiving gifts, winning the lottery) and put yourself, right now on the scale. Then just think about what you have to do to move up or down the scale. I always include the down, because too much focus is on the up and it is important that we realize that we play a part in pushing ourselves further down too.  So if I choose to eat junk, go back to bed, or binge on my favorite shows I am sure I’ll go to bed tonight feeling at least as rough.  If I try to eat something that is close to green, exercise, or at the very least get out of my pajamas (keeping it real here), then I am more likely to turn it around. If I really want to try to dig out then I can do some laundry (accomplishing simple tasks helps with feelings of overwhelm) or get to some of The Practice Calgary work that is sitting the corner of the room beside the vacuum waiting for me to notice it.  Scale it. Once you take one or two steps to move you in the direction you want to go, you’ll probably be at a different number and can continue on the trend. Even if you don’t make it to a 7, you can at least not hit a 1. Also, managing it this way can open up our minds to tomorrow being OK, waking up in a better place, and helps us not allow the snowball of a down day to start an avalanche.

Do these things really matter? Can you actually make a difference in your life by doing the laundry, or making a point of working out? Yes, every time.  Long term success, change, or wellbeing (whatever your focus is)  occurs when you figure out the minutia of what you need to do daily, and then commit to do it.

Best,

Carmen Dodsworth

Language matters. The words you choose to use to talk to yourself have a profound impact on your beliefs and actions. Words spoken out loud have the power to shape thoughts, beliefs, and public discourse. They also have the power to perpetuate stereotypes or put the light of day on discrimination.

“It’s my OCD” is one of the least favorite things I hear people say. For people living with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, daily life can be an excruciating challenge. An extraordinary amount of personal energy can be expended to push back intrusive thoughts, and stave off the compulsive, ritualistic behaviors. The thoughts are not intentional, they are often not logical, they are not controllable, and they cause significant distress. To make matters even more exasperating, people with OCD are often very aware that their thoughts are not rational, and yet they are undeniably afraid. Having thoughts that you did not plan on having, thoughts that are appalling to you, that you do not want to think, brings about an intense loss of control. The lack of control, coupled with fear from the intrusive thought, drive a need to do something to regain control, and this is a perfect breeding ground for compulsivity. The behavior lessens the panic, and it is often the only thing that will initially bring about the much-needed sense of relief. However, the intrusion and anxiety return, and thus the behavior must be repeated. As the intrusive thoughts persist and breed, the behaviors continue and expand, and the association between relief and compulsions grows stronger. I have seen people’s lives shrink to fractions of what they once were due to the hours on hours spent enslaved to ritualistic and compulsive behavior. I have seen families fractured because the illness holds a loved one captive, and forbids
them from touching, hugging, kissing their own child, sibling, or spouse. I have watched kids lose friends, drop activities, and live in absolute shame often terrified to allow their parents in to their thoughts for fear that they will be unlovable. I have been witness to the excruciating pain and embarrassment that people feel as they watch their lives fall apart at the end of their own behavior. I have heard the number of times individuals have tested others, shared even the most minuscule detail of their anxiety as a test of others, only to hear ‘don’t worry’, a confirmatory piece of evidence to remind them of how ridiculous their behavior is. So, when I hear anyone flippantly state that ‘their’ OCD is making them clean, with a chortle, I cringe. Not only does it make light of a serious mental wellness issue, these statements also kind of make fun of people facing OCD.

OCD is not the only one that is thrown around. Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is another common ground for misguided fodder. ADHD is a serious neurological condition that can have a significant impact on a person’s ability to regulate their attention, focus, organization, and overall consistency in life. ADHD is not laziness, and it is extremely frustrating for people with the condition. People who have ADHD often miss social cues, make comments they didn’t mean to make (or would not have made if they had a chance to stop the thought, and find it excruciating to try and hold their attention on something that is not of high interest. Once something is enticing enough to cue the attention centers of their brains to focus, it then becomes extremely hard for them to stop focusing.

In reality, ADHD is about a significant impairment in the regulation of attention, so the common misperception that a kid who can play guitar for hours because they love it is therefore only choosing not to focus on school, is wrong. And it is damaging. The people I have worked with who are diagnosed with ADHD often carry a sense of shame about it. At our core, most of us want to belong and being different is not generally embraced. And that is what is so hard to see because ADHD also brings with it creativity, energy, an ability to multi-task that far exceeds most. It is also associated with high intelligence and a wonderful ability to approach problems from a unique perspective. However, it takes a long time for people to see ADHD as a possible strength, and it takes even longer to undue the negative stereotypes perpetuated by flippant remarks. I was at a junior high school function last year where one teacher started goofing off and acting obviously over the top as he gave out awards to the students, the principal of the school replied, “time to wrap up, his ADHD meds are wearing off”. My heart sank. I actually had to hold back tears because I know all too well that the gymnasium was populated by many beautiful teens and parents who have to deal with the reality of ADHD every day. Even writing this makes me feel upset.

You can’t see mental health. You have no idea what the person next to you has overcome and what people in ear shot of your remarks have had to face. We’ve grown-up a lot as a society. I hope that we have all progressed from jokes about mental retardation, sexual orientation, and equality. Let’s challenge ourselves to do better. Try saying, “I like a clean table” when you stack dishes for the server in place of “it’s my OCD”. Try “I don’t know why I said that” instead of “I’m so ADHD”. Try asking someone about ADHD if they tell you they have it. Think about remarking “I heard that people with ADHD are known creativity and giftedness”, or “wow, I can’t believe how many projects you have on the go, I can’t switch my focus like that!” Don’t minimize anxiety by telling an anxious person “it’s going to be fine” or “stop worrying”; believe me if it were an option they would have. Try instead to ask, “how can I help” or “what do you need from me”? It’s a small shift, which to me means that it is manageable and likely repeatable. Change the way we talk, and it will change the way we think. Softly and gently we can change.

“Water is fluid, soft, and yielding. But water will wear away rock, which is rigid and cannot yield. As a rule, whatever is fluid, soft, and yielding will overcome whatever is rigid and hard” Lao Tzu

Carmen Dodsworth, BSc., MA.
Registered Psychologist

Now it is time to pull this together. We have spent time tracking where you actually are and looking at what you have valued the most in your life. The next step is to line them up, and see what you get.

Take out another piece of paper, and draw a circle that you can divide like a pie, to represent where your time is allocated (yes, it is actually a pie chart). Roughly estimate which of the activities you identified are allocated the most of your day to day life, and therefore should take up a larger portion of the pie. The reason it is best to do this after a week or two of tracking is that, as per my previous blogs, most of us are all too willing to lie to ourselves about how we live our life. So, look at the data and translate it to a chart. When I looked at mine, I saw a great deal of time spent driving as a result of living in a rural setting but having school and work in two different urban areas. I also see that I spend a fair amount of time doing absolutely nothing with my family. I mean, just sitting and being in the same room. I am not clear as to how that started because I wouldn’t have guessed I have room for that, but as it turns out I do. As many of you do, I also spend a lot of time at work, which for me means providing therapy and consultation, supporting the clinical team, and developing The Practice Calgary in terms of client care and community engagement. Outside of the clinic I scour research as a final stage of my PhD, read health studies to use in social media engagement (I am passionate about informed practice), and read for pleasure (yes, mostly related to wellness… I know what I know). And then there is exercise, cooking, sporting adventures, and friends. Then of course, there are the things I will just throw in the “I don’t even know why I am doing this” category, such as reading the news repeatedly, all idle social media viewing, and …. Endless list ensues.

Take this pie chart and look at it through the lens of what you value. Does it line up? Are the things you value clearly shown in the way you spend your time? Find ways to anchor goals to the things you value, so that you are more likely to stay with them. Stop and make sure the goals you have are in-line with things you truly value. I have realized that for me, fitness goals need to be anchored to an activity and to community. What that means is that I bring my kids in to work out with me in the morning, and I specifically choose to train in ways that will improve my snowboarding or wakeboarding, or take running to the next level in terms of distance or time. I have signed up for a half marathon in September and set a goal of getting a personal best. This will drive my commitment to training. When I look at expression and creativity which are values of mine, I can set goals of spending more consistent time writing or painting. I have no interest in publically displaying my painting, so I can focus my energy on time spent rather than achievement. However, writing and speaking (value: influence) also should be expressed in order for me to feel deeply satisfied, so I am mindful to set up speaking engagements, and have set a goal around presenting my dissertation research in 2018.

The second piece to consider is how you will define the metric or measurement of success. If your goal is weight loss, you need to measure success by something that will reinforce you along the way. You could focus on days in a row at the gym, avoiding added sugar, or reducing portion, which will all lead to the ultimate goal of weight loss. Tracking the actual weight loss will help you adjust your plan, but will not be enough to keep most of us going for the long haul. The metrics of success I am using for my running are the number of times I do cardio a week, and if I am able to push myself in duration or intensity (time, hills, speed). The metric for presenting the dissertation research, is making sure that I am working on the research at least two days a week. Keep track of these metrics so that you can gain momentum.

Pick goals that are likely to make the most impact in your level of satisfaction in life, ones that are easy to accomplish and ones that are going to be more of a grind. Try not to pick too many or else each one will likely lose charge. Pick what is fun, pick what is meaningful, and focus on the steps along the way.

Carmen Dodsworth, BSc., MA.
Registered Psychologist

Last blog I encouraged people to take time to figure out where they actually are, not where they want to believe they are. So, if you have joined in and are indeed tracking your time, then keep at it, because next blog we will put the data to good use. I can already say that I’ve seen a few surprises in how I spend my time and have become quite convinced that nothing good comes from the amount of news I read. It is actually kind of ironic that I do it, because I generally loathe talking about the news and often tell clients of mine to be careful of how they interact with news stories. Still, I am just keeping track and raising my own awareness of where I actually am before I make knee-jerk changes that tend to be fleeting. In addition to media use, I am noticing habits in my daily life, people I interact most with, and am becoming aware again of things I spend inordinate amounts of time thinking about. All of this by just tracking myself for a couple of weeks. It is not too late to start if you want to make meaningful changes in 2018….

OK, so that is the exercise of ‘where’ I am, now before I jump on any particular change-train, I need to consider where I am going. As a clinician, I can honestly say that one of the most commonly missed steps in goal setting is taking the time to figure out what you want and why. Given that the world we live in today is fairly instant, stopping to think deeply about something we do is somewhat passé. But if you don’t figure this out then you may end up with goals that aren’t meaningful to you, or going about achieving them in ways that are not motivating to you.

Here’s an example from my own life to drive this point home. I don’t exercise because of a deep interest in health, I actually exercise because I have made it about belonging and adventure. When I tie weight exercises with snowboarding, it is very easy for me to get myself to the gym. Similarly, when I included my kids in the 6 a.m. sweat fest it became about something so much more important to me than weight loss or health, it became about belonging in our family. The kicker is that when my community and belonging needs are satiated, as they were over the holiday or in the summer when we have an endless roster of guests gathering with us for long lazy days, then my commitment and resolve for the gym vaporizes
quickly. It also means that for me, if I want to achieve a specific fitness goal, it would be extremely helpful to tie it to something other than fitness. Hence, why immediately after writing this blog I enlisted the interest of family to run a half-marathon in September. It is also one reason why I rally The Practice Calgary team to participate in the Scotia Bank Marathon as a fundraising effort in May of most years (I was lucky enough to be abroad last May so I did miss it).
Of course, I believe in fundraising and fitness, however if I am completely honest I gain a lot more out of the motivation of a specific adventure and my spirit in absolutely filled by the experience of coming together with others and connecting to the broader community of Calgary. Because I know this, I also know that weight loss goals on their own will generally not hold enough motivation to carry me through the lows. You may end up at the same place as someone else, but your how and why may be different – and knowing that could be the difference between persistence and dropping out.

Obviously, you are now completely convinced that knowing you how and why are important, so how do you figure that out? Shockingly I am going to ask you to do some more self-reflection… There are a few different ways, and yes, the time tracking that we are already doing will help, but one of my favorite ways is to stop and think about your “Personal Highs”.

What moments in my personal and professional life am I most proud of?

What moments in my personal and professional life stand out to me as a time when I was Happiest?

Why? What stands out at you or what are you focused on in /about that moment?

Write out as many moments as you come to mind. Once these are written down do a quick internet search (I refuse to use “Google” as a verb… or “journal” for that matter), of “Personal Values”, and you should see roughly 30,000,000 results in about 0.51 seconds (search results stats add to the heap of ridiculous information out there). Pick a list, any list that you like. Then stand back, look at the moments, and see if you can group them together according to a core value from said list.

Here’s an example with my grouped events that came to mind, and the value(s) in bold.

My Personal High Moments

Acceptance into doctorate; opening my own business, research – Achievement and Challenge.

Residency, The Practice Calgary, Shuswap, dinner parties, marathon / half-marathon Carm-a-palooza (not the time to explain) – Belonging and Community

Travel, snowboarding, water skiing and boarding, marathon – Adventure

Writing, public speaking, blog, painting – Expression and Creativity, Influence

You may notice that I put some events in a couple of categories. I did this because it seemed right to me, it makes sense to me that some events hit on multiple values but if it doesn’t for you then don’t do that. I selected each category by looking closely at ‘why’ I am proud or happy in a specific memory. I am so proud of my doctorate education because the odds seemed insurmountable at one time. I had two kids, my own business which means a certain precarious nature to my income, and I had been out of school for a while. It was tough to put my name in the ring of potential applicants, to risk failure or to not have the stamina if I did get in. I am proud that I was accepted and that I have been successful in my endeavors. I am happy when I paint because I love the feeling of creating and seeing the end result (I really don’t need others to see it). I am happy when I am on the side of a mountain because I constantly think to myself how wild it is that I am on the side of a mountain with no real certainty what will happen next. The why helps me define my value.

One thing that was surprising to me is that some of the values that I would have said I have, prior to this exercise, didn’t come up at all. I would have expected; compassion& authenticity, fun & humor, openness, trustworthiness, and generosity to be critical to me. I have often said to people how much I value fun, but when I really look at it, I may have a lot fun but I value the adventure, challenge, and community and probably experience something as fun because those needs are being met. It makes sense then that putting fun as the driver to an event in the past has left me unsatisfied. Light bulb moment.

Take the time to explore values, see what surprises you, what is predictable, and keep tracking your time. Next blog we will pull this together with defining meaningful goals with the right motivators and useful metrics to help you get there!

Carmen Dodsworth, BSc., MA.
Registered Psychologist

I won’t start the new year writing about resolutions. There is way too much hype about resolutions right now. If you know me at all, you know that I thrive with one foot in the margins so anything too mainstream will be unappealing. Besides, there are far more productive ways to start a new year than to sit and think about all the ways you wish you and your life were different. And also, there is the reality that most new year’s resolutions don’t work.

Part of the issue is that we direct our attention in all the wrong places. We idealize our past and let that propel us to a version of the future that we believe will be better. It doesn’t really make too much sense though. Just because I used to run marathons or be a social butterfly, does not mean that either of those things fit me now. It also does not mean that I will be any happier if I have them in my life again. And I am not a failure if I don’t have them now, or am I? What if I look back and see a complete wreck? An under-active, difficult to complete any goal, isolated person. Does that mean that is the way my future will look? We put way too much emphasis on how we imagine it was and what that means. In doing so, we render the past far more important than the present.

We need to stop throwing our attention around like confetti at midnight (see what I did there?). It is OK to have an understanding of where you have come from, but don’t make the mistake of thinking that has to dictate where you are going. Instead, try being honest about where you are at right now. The person we are most comfortable lying to is ourselves, and that stops any change plan dead in its tracks. Years of providing therapy has made this point come across loud and clear. Many (read *most*), of us don’t feel we accept our situation, body, relationship, behavior, and so instead of really looking at it, we lie about it. When I ask a client to report on a behavior or pattern and then ask a friend or family member to give their account, there is almost always a meaningful discrepancy. You can guess that the error is on the side of the client reporting in their own favor. You could imagine that this is related to wanting to save face to me, a phenomenon called social desirability; however, the pattern repeats in teacher-student, parent-client, sibling-client, spouse-client, and even self-report verses written record. Yes, that’s right, what you will report in-person will often contradict what you yourself have documented as a written account of your own behavior.

So, in order to have any sense of goal setting, we need to start with an honest account of where we actually are. How on earth else would you know how to get to somewhere if you don’t know the starting point? Jump in a car with a tank of gas and say, ‘I’d like to go to California by tomorrow’, is that possible? Yes, if you are in Oregon, no if you are in New York. You also need to make sure that you have the gas and money (i.e. personal resources) to get there.

If there is one resolution I will endorse, it is this:  “I resolve to be honest and accepting of where I am right now!”  Then, once I have a solid sense of that, I can gently and with compassion start to look at where  I think I want to move towards, why that will be meaningful, and what I will use to measure my success. Here’s a place to start. Start this week and make a point of writing down your activity as a way to be accountable. How often do you really go to bed on time, act kindly towards your partner, eat in a way that is positive for your body? Where do you actually spend your time? Social media or reading? Television or talking with people around you? Don’t try to make yourself save face just be honest. Then, in the blogs to come we will start to look at what this tracking means, and how you can use it to honor your strengths, identify your core, and guide your goals for 2018.

I guess I did end up writing about resolutions after all… but in a way that didn’t let anyone set specific goals. That’s about right!

 

Carmen Dodsworth, BSc., MA.

Registered Psychologist

What is your plan for the holiday season? What I actually mean is, how do you plan to survive? If you listen to the way many people talk about the holiday season, it can sound more like they are going into battle. We think in terms of everything we have to, should do, or must do, and often we complain about it. The thought of everything that we have to do is burdensome, make us feel powerless, and highlights the possibility of failure. When our perception is filtered in these ways we will experience stress. Unfortunately, even though we intuitively know that we are stressed, and that our perspective is a piece of that stress, most of us will do nothing about it – except charge full steam ahead.

The fight or flight response is the body’s adaptive response to a threatening situation and functions to help promote the survival of the organism. Physiological changes such as the release of stress hormones, digestive changes, and cognitive processing occur. These responses are experienced so that we are able to fight for our life or flee away from the stressor. But what about when you can’t just punch the Holiday in the nose, or run away completely? Then you can end up with chronic activation of your hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) axis, which you have probably already guessed is not a good thing. Chronic elevation of stress responses is associated with sleep disturbance, short-term memory loss, autoimmune and cardiovascular disease, obesity, and increased abdominal fat. ( It’s not just the cookies and eggnog! ) Chronic stress can even result in changes to the circadian rhythms of our bodies (the system that regulates things like our sleep-wake cycle). When a parent’s system is elevated, they are also less consistent in parenting styles, make poorer health choices, and experience more behavioral challenges with their kids. So, the kicker is that as we become more stressed, our kids are more difficult to manage, we take less care of ourselves, and we behave badly. These secondary effects of stress add up quickly. Like the philosophical question of when does a collection of individual grains of sand become a pile of sand? When do the ‘to-dos’ of it all become too much? It’s a personal question.

If there is such a thing as one size fits all advice it is this… slow down!You don’t have to do it all. Actually, you really don’t have to and not in a colloquial way. The more you agree to the bake sale, the cards for 100 people you don’t actually know, the perfect décor, the extra side dishes, a few extra presents, the perfectly cleaned house – the more you are actually agreeing to being run down. The less room we leave for laughter, fun, peace, and connection with others. Stop right now and take out something to write on. Draw a circle, and then divide it up into pieces of pie. In each piece write the name of things you value, things that you think truly matter to you. Somethings can take up more than one piece. Activity outside, connection with family, rituals (think volunteering, specific meals, religious participation, outings) and on and on. Be specific so that the things that you identify are more real. Instead of saying ‘family’ think about what you value about the family, such as time together. Now flip the page over, draw another circle, and pieces of pie, now write out how you actually spend your time most holiday season. The discrepancy will give you a starting place for how to trim it down and take things off your to-do list. If you absolutely value spending time with family, but spend hours on hours decorating your house and writing out cards, then you are misguiding your energy. When our values and efforts don’t line up it means that we won’t be as likely to find our activity meaningful, which leads us up burnout mountain. When value and activity line up, then we often describe something called “flow”, which is timelessness. Of course, it will not line up perfectly, nor should it. The goal is not to live a completely self-serving holiday. It is about finding a balance. And my experience is that most of us, especially but not exclusively women, get this balance wrong. We are too geared to doing what we think will serve others, and on top of that have heard the message from many psychologist about the importance of self-care, so we try to cram that on top of it all. But we can’t keep piling on more. This holiday, give yourself and your loved ones permission to be balanced, not to try and do it all, and instead to try and enjoy it all (or at least the majority of it).

Carmen Dodsworth, BSc., MA.
Registered Psychologist