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CAREER TRANSITION AND UNCERTAIN TIMES

Sport stoppages of professional leagues and for our Canadian National athletes who travel the World competing in World Cups, World Championships, and the Olympics are fighting with us against the COIVID-19 Pandemic. 

We are all being challenged to act for our society before ourselves as we self-isolate. This blog is focused on the experience of athletes who face “performance or career transition”. The reality for many people in sport, will be that COVID-19 and the disruption in normal life will end their career competing at the professional or elite levels. 

Retirement from sport can be a positive for some athletes who feel deep satisfaction and gratitude for achieving their dream goals. These individuals are mentally, emotionally, and financially ready to retire and gracefully transition into their plan B with the next phase of their career. For example, the NHL hockey player who retires and embraces the earned opportunity to give all his time and energy to family that made sacrifices sharing their husband and father with the sport/team as they passionately pursued their craft to be their best. After a few years of giving back to the family, he then walks into a management, scouting, or coaching position that was lined up when he is ready to return to sport. 

Now think of many athletes who unfortunately perform there way out of sport and competition has caught up and surpassed them. Or the athletes who have been “hanging on” and past their prime. Finally, think of the athletes who has struggled with the terrifying decision to retire because he or she feels they have nothing to fall back on or question their ability to do anything other than be an athlete. 

Facilitating performance TRANSITION is a serious issue and these athletes may experience:

  • Multiple stressors and difficulties associated with their involuntary career completion (possibly coming for some due to COVID-19), where there is little realistic potential for reinstituting or preserving their career. 
  • Athletes face psychological reactions of normative or exceptional grieving like those who experience the death of a loved one. Phases of acute stress, anger, depression, anxiety and possibly PTSD may exist with family and interpersonal issues intensifying the struggle for the athlete to adapt to a life lacking the structure of sport, daily training/competing, and being a part of a Team.
  • Many athletes have fiercely competitive egos and when they retire, they become a “normal” person instead of the “famous athlete, role model, or being that talent that is admired by fans and flashed all over our TVs, the Internet, and media outlets.”

I played hockey my entire life through the Junior levels, a varsity career with the University of Lethbridge Pronghorns, and then minor pro down in Texas in the Western Professional Hockey League (WPHL). 

I will share my brief story of “career transition”. 

My University coach told me I could go play pro in Europe or in the States, however I was planning to just settle down and move back to B.C. where my family lives and find a job in Human Resources. Shortly after graduating with a B.A. in Psychology (with Distinction 😉), my plan changed as my long-term girlfriend and I broke up. When I returned home, I was influenced by all my buddies as they questioned me, “why would you not go play professional and get paid to play the game you love? What’s wrong with you?!” 

So, I tested the waters and ended up accepting a contract in Fort Worth, Texas. Hockey, golf, and the single life…… why not. 

Well, that’s what I thought anyways. However, I knew in my gut, that it was the wrong decision. To be honest with you, I knew then that I was forcing myself to continue in hockey when my heart was not committed to be my best or further my hockey career. I didn’t really believe I would make the NHL and I was going down there avoiding the real world. 

Yes, I started well scoring goals in pre-season and easily impressing the coach, but then the anxiety of being in the wrong place and faking my passion for the game started catching up to me. 

Playing in front of fans (and cheerleaders – yes there were cheerleaders in Texas at a Hockey game), and riding the bus from New Mexico on through Oklahoma, Arkansas, Mississippi, Tennessee, Alabama, Louisiana, and along the Gulf of Mexico was a great experience. Some of the parties with the guys were a lot of fun, going out to clubs, free golf, hanging out with small time celebrities, etc. The many stories like the security sneaking us into watch the Dixie Chicks performing in our barn, getting free meals at Hooters, etc. etc. was all great. But I was living inauthentically. I had a university degree, was 25 or 26 years old, and feeling like I was drinking beer, chewing Copenhagen, and chasing girls like I did when I was 16-19 years old in Junior hockey.

Finally, that morning came. After not sleeping the night before (even with a few beers), I laid in bed as my roommate Benny knocked on my door chirping me and saying, “let’s go, we’ll be late for practice.” 

“I’m not going, go without me.” I said. 

Benny and I both knew what that meant. Unless, you’re a franchise player or your coach is a pushover, you don’t just not show up to practice. You think you’re bigger than the Team and you just do what you want……. Means contract ripped up and you are replaced by another guy waiting to get paid to play the game. 

By the time my hangover eased, and I knew the boys were off the ice, I headed to the rink and walked into the coach’s office. I looked him in the eye and simply said, “Coach, I’m not respecting you or the Team by being here.” I believe he appreciated me for telling him straight as the Team finished paying out my contract for a few months and paid for my flight home. That was the end of my career. 

What transpired over the next 6 months was suffering my own “career transition issues”.

20 years ago, as a 26-year-old guy who played hockey, seeing a psychologist wasn’t a thought that even crossed my mind. But this is what I remember experiencing:

  • I went back to Lethbridge waiting for my fiancé to finish her degree. I had money saved from hockey and I spent a few months working as a social worker, drinking beer with my university buddies, and avoiding the rink at all costs. It hurt to watch hockey on tv, let alone go watch it live. 
  • I dreamt about Texas and playing hockey every single night for 6 months. Every morning waking up and feeling just a little bitter. 

I went to Texas for the wrong reasons and I finished my hockey career in way that robbed me of any self-respect or pride. So I let it go…….. but when would I feel like myself again and pursue something with purpose and meaning?

It’s called emergent decision making. In my 2nd year of my B.A., I saw a career counsellor for 50 minutes as I didn’t know what Major I should declare. I walked out of her office pissed off, thinking that was a total waste of time. However, as it turned out, everything we talked about ended up happening for the rest of my career. We talked about being a Sport Psychologist since I loved psychology and I loved sport. At the time though, my Identity was so wrapped up as a “hockey player” that I couldn’t even imagine myself being a psychologist. I mean, I swore in the dressing room and drank beers in the pub with the guys! How could I walk the straight and narrow and be a Psychologist?!?!?

In summary, after a period of grief and suffering, I began achieving my dream as I channeled all my focus, energy, passion, and commitment to finish grad school the best and fastest possible. My research was focused on Junior Hockey in Alberta titled, “Partnerships in Performance: Effective Referral and Collaboration Between Hockey Coaches and Psychologists.” The opportunity to do applied work through the last 4 winter Olympics representing Canada working with coaches, athletes, and support staff was a ridiculous amount of work and sacrifice…..but I lived my dream. 

If anyone is going through career transition with feelings of loss, grief, depression, and uncertainty, we are here at The Practice Calgary and ready to support you. 

Sincerely,

Derek

Derek Robinson has been a Registered Psychologist since 2005 and has worked in the field of human performance and had the privilege to work alongside some of the best leaders, coaches, teams, athletes, medical and support staff in the world. Derek has attended the last 4 Olympic Winter Games as part of the Canadian Olympic Team and worked with a variety of sports.

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An Opportunity for Growth

Everyone needs to deal with the pandemic in their own way, so in no way do I want to push an agenda here. Instead, I’d like to consider the possible use of focusing on wellness, health, and opportunity to at least try to counter balance the negative. 

Behind the clouds you’ll find the sun, and in the chaos you may find opportunity. Remember though, you won’t find what you are not looking for.

Let This Spark Change. It is hard when we think all day long about what we can’t do. When a mindset of restriction and limitation sets in our brains naturally seek out information that confirms this belief. It actually magnifies it too, because negative thoughts are magnetic and collect allies in rapid time. To get out of this spiral, you have to intentionally look for areas where either we are not limited or where we are benefiting. This is a far cry from being glad that this has happened, that is too far of a stretch for me, but I can acknowledge that not everything that I have changed as a result of isolation has been bad. Without my commute, it is easier to work out during the day (these are not good work outs by the way), and my friendships have become a priority and therefore are deepening. I’ve been pushed to learn about on-line group delivery, and now that I see how much easier it is for people to attend these I will prioritize this service delivery going forward. Is it possible that after isolation we will continue to intentionally seek out connection? I hope so. 

Being so intentional about coming together has imparted on me how much I love and need my friends.

Form Healthier Habits. I don’t think that now is the time to overhaul your life, although by all means do it if it is right for you. But this could be a time to break the all-or-nothing rigidity that stops so many of us from taking self-care seriously. The reason I think this may be the right time to learn about the importance of small steps is that many of us feel like small steps are all we have got right now. Being satisfied with a less-than exercise session, eating a slightly healthier dinner, or keeping the sweets to a smaller portion while refusing to beat yourself up would be examples of small-step change that interrupt black-and-white thinking. This is important because our own rigidity and judgement are the ultimate destroyers of personal change. 

FINALLY Learn to Let Go.  I had an amazing conversation with someone last week. He shared that his entire life he has resisted accepting what is and that finally, he has accepted he is not in control. Pain often comes from the reality of our world, but suffering comes from our mental and emotional resistance to it. If you can be patient with yourself, and slowly notice where your attention has shifted from acceptance of what is to resistance, then you can gently invite yourself to acceptance. This will pass and it will unfold as it will. If you focus on positive action towards things you can control, you will weather the storm in a better state. 

The Buddha’s Brain by Rick Hanson, Ph.D. with Richard Mendius, MD is a great book filled with neuroscience explanation and practical tips to help separate pain from suffering.

When it all rises too high, I am reminded that there is nothing we can do but surrender to the reality that we are ultimately not in control. After the panic, there is peace.

Shift into Self-Compassion. You’re tired, cranky, short with your family, not as productive as you should be…the list of shortcomings is endless these days. Rather than constant striving to be 100%, maybe you could just give yourself a break. Be kind, recognize that your 100% today is at a different level, and where did we even get the idea that being 100% all the time is the goal? What about saying, “that’s ok, it’s a big day” or “hey, maybe you need a rest and reset here?” Instead of giving space to the nagging inner-critic, what if you actually wished yourself wellness, peace, and health? 

My absolute favorite speaker on the subject of self-compassion is Sharon Salzberg. While all her work is worthy of attention her book, Real Love: The Art of Mindful Connection is profound yet practical.

A couple of more resources:

Chelsea Gohd wrote a fun and on-point article sharing tips from astronauts for coping with isolation:

https://www.space.com/astronaut-tips-for-handling-isolation-coronavirus.html

Join our community as we discuss positive changes we can focus on during isolation! We’re hosting a free ZOOM session Thursday April 16, 2020 at 4:30pm.

 Email booking@thepracticecalgary.com for the link to join. 

In health, 

Carmen

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Cancel the “COVID 15”

“Freshman 15” has been an expression used for many generations.  Many people are aware of the term but to explain, the “freshman 15” phrase was coined to highlight the weight gain many young adults experience in their first year of university or college.  Why are new university/college students susceptible to the freshman 15… Well, there are many factors.  The start of university or college for most young adults involves moving out of the house.  Young adults now have to fend for themselves buying groceries, making food, or just making balanced choices.  Often the foods eaten are high calorie high carbohydrate foods.  Add to this that many students stay late into the night which can create boredom.  Students also tend to “party” more which may include alcohol or cannabis. Late night foods are then sought after including pizza and chips.  Students also take time to adjust to their new very busy schedules so extracurricular activities such as sports teams or working out often fall to the wayside.  Easy to see how weight gain happens.  

Time can create space for us to take care of ourselves in a new way, but it can also lead to boredom and falling away of health and self-care.

Now let’s switch to the present. Why is this expression relevant today when students are now at home doing online learning? The expression “freshman 15” has now morphed into the term “Covid 15”.   I read a great post about people having TIME during this isolation period.  I found the word a very powerful one.  Life is normally filled with work, school, sports, appointments, social activities etc. This is the first time in my lifetime where we have TIME.  While there are many positives to having more TIME … time to clean, time to learn to bake, time to help others … TIME also lends itself to issues like boredom, mindless eating, drinking more, etc.  

The majority of us are now at home full-time.  We are being encouraged to stay at home and often to stay indoors.  For many of us this leads to consuming more calories and likely exercising less.  Normally during a work day, we do not have close proximity to a fridge and we are busy with our work, with coworkers, with going to the gym, or just not having 24/7 access to food.  Now we are at home where the fridge and pantry are easily accessible.  We have many more hours to fill with work, educating and entertaining our children, and passing the TIME.  Here’s where the new expression “Covid 15” comes into play.  Posts are plentiful on social media like Cookie Monster chowing down on cookies and people talking about their struggles to not eat during isolation. Stress is also a factor of course because we know that people tend to reach for refined carbohydrates during increased stress, both for pleasure and for the instant kick that comes with sugar. Let’s be honest … it’s hard not to overeat while isolating.  

Social Media is proliferated with picture of satisfying carbs, which have taken the place of more balanced choices for many of us.

It’s not hopeless. “ Covid 15” can be avoided.  Here are some tips:

  1. Ask yourself or your child(ren) why they are in the fridge/cupboard.  Are you/they HUNGRY or do you/they just WANT food?  Often it is about WANT which often stems from issues like boredom, stress, or unhappiness.   The key is to find alternate activities to eating.  Some suggestions include:
    1. Drinking a full glass of water.
    2. Going for a walk (even a short one).
    3. Changing the location you are in (if possible).
    4. Distracting yourself with another activity.  
    5. Create a schedule during the day that includes snacks and meals with the goal of sticking to the schedule.
    6. Having healthy snacks on the kitchen table: Vegetables (celery is a great one as it takes a long time to chew), fruit, popcorn, flavored water (it’s fun to come up with different flavors like raspberry or cucumber water).  
    7. Be active and come up with new activities that you and/or your family could try: Skip rope (much harder than you think), throw a ball outside, create fun indoor games (my kids used ping pong balls and chipped them into plastic cups).
    8. Be MINDFUL.  Often our eating/drinking habits are done mindlessly.  The more mindful we are about what we are eating/drinking, how much and how often… the more successful we are at staying healthy. 
    9. Watch portions.  Smaller plates are a great way of reducing portions without seeing a difference. 
    10. Set goals.  Challenge yourself/your family to stay healthy in all areas during this pandemic. 

Get outside as much as you can. Being out of our house, while distancing, helps break up visual boredom, gets us away from our fridge, and boosts energy. This may be even more important should our ability to leave be further restricted in the days to come.

We are all in this but “Covid 15” doesn’t have to become a reality.  This could be an OPPORTUNITY to become even healthier.  

Dr. Liann Meloff is a registered psychologist with over 18 years of experience and holds a Ph.D. in Applied Psychology. 

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Keeping the Remote Workplace Respectful

Many of us are now working from home, remotely using video conferencing, email, texts, and other media. Bullying can occur in this environment and can spill over from any conflict or bullying that was happening in person at the office. 

Workplace bullying means excluding someone from information, meetings, connections; demeaning  someone through jokes, ridicule and cartoons; spreading gossip, not helping when needed, damaging a person’s work or work reputation, setting people up to fail, setting unrealistic expectations, favoring one person over another. 

Workplace harassment and bullying can continue in the remote environment.

  • People can be left out of meetings if they are using different platforms. Get everyone on the same platform and ‘nudge’ people back if they start using different platforms, e.g. email when another form has been agreed to.
  • Sharing of jokes, innuendos and memes can create online cruelty. The same rules apply as if you were in the office.
  • Keep communication professional rather than casual. Edit, spell check and speak respectfully.
  • Make sure that all workers are included in meetings and discussions where appropriate. Going ‘ghost’ on someone, disappearing, and not including someone in even casual contacts will feel isolating and can be harmful.

Take extra steps to make sure that all team members are included when scheduling virtual meetings.

  • Be mindful of what you say. Teleconferencing is best as you can see the impact of what you say on others. If you offend someone apologize.
  • Help out. For many, working remotely is new and stressful as they go through the learning curve. Don’t mock or let your frustration get in the way. Helping out can make you feel good.
  • Answer your emails and questions as promptly as possible. If you can’t respond quickly send a quick reply “Got your request – let me get back to you on that within the next day.”
  • Consult each other about changes in projects and work – be inclusive. Do not just leave someone out.
  • If you hear gossip or people campaigning against another person step up and be a good bystander and identify that this is disrespectful and harmful.
  • If you feel disrespected tell the person in a private communication. Or tell your manager and ask for help.
  • If you feel that you are in a difficult situation and your actions have not worked, have a conversation with your Human Resources Professional, Occupational Health and Safety Professional or Third Party Advocate. 
  • Access your Employee Assistance Program to discuss strategies and receive support or use your benefits to contact a qualified counsellor.

We have a workplace respect expert that can help you. Dr. Pat Ferris is a registered Clinical Social Worker who has has a Ph.D. in Industrial Organizational Psychology where she studied quality of life issues related to work such as stress, bullying and work life balance. She has specialized training in treating trauma and is considered an international expert in the treatment of targets and perpetrators of workplace bullying.

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The Call for Self-Compassion

Week three is winding down as restrictions across our city are amping up, the weekend, typically a part of the week I look forward to a lot has become an even more difficult time. Last weekend I was caught off guard; the weekend was an even stronger reminder of COVID-19. There would be no enjoyment of our beautiful city, no play in the mountains, and no enjoyment of the escape from work. Everything felt heavier, with more time to feel it with.

Weekends are no longer time for us to enjoy our beautiful city and unwind, which can make them very hard.

I spend a lot of time working with people to develop insight and strategies to help manage, and even move out of, difficult situations and feelings. When I look at where we are now, I realize that this is not enough. Sure, there is room for planning and strategy, but the reality is not going anywhere, jobs are lost, school is gone, freedom is limited. This is one of those times that we have to sit in it.

Compassion is a term we are all familiar with, although not always easy to exercise. Self-compassion is a much more foreign term, and in crisis it can be nothing short of evasive. If ever we have been called to self-compassion it is now. Thupten Jinpa, the Dalai Lama’s translator is a well-quote author and speaker on the issue of self-compassion, and he has often explained that self-compassion is “the instinctive ability to be kind and considerate to yourself.” Self-compassion is not selfish, narcissistic indulgence.

Self-compassion is critical right now, because as Jinpa point out without self-compassion “we don’t develop adequate resources within ourselves to be able to give more to others.” Right now, there is a global situation requiring endless compassion in order to respond. We cannot face suffering, fear, desperation in our world, city, family, and within ourselves without compassion.

When you beat yourself up for not coping well enough, helping the kids enough, having a clean enough house or healthy enough food, just stop! Think of yourself as a child, or any child for that matter, would you truly tell a child in the middle of COVID-19 to stop crying and get to work? No, or at least you shouldn’t. The correct response is to provide reassurance, notice that the global level of stress is high and we are all feeling it. You should be aware that giving the day your 100% means giving 100% of what you have in that moment. Maybe 100% today does not include a run. Maybe it’s about loving yourself and knowing that today you need to watch a comedy because you are feeling really sad.

Jinpa encourages, “Wouldn’t you feel instinctively protective toward this child? Instead of negative judgment, criticism and reprimand, would you feel tender and caring?”

My dear friend and colleague, Naomi, shared her story. Yesterday, after dropping her daughter off with her dad, Naomi burst into tears. She had no idea why, and all she could do to console herself was to think about her favorite bag of chips waiting for her at home. I affirmed Naomi for allowing herself to cry but she laughed, “I didn’t really have a choice.”

Relatable.

Then Naomi returned home opened the box where her chips were waiting only to find that the chips had spilled, all over a bottle of cleaner. Cue complete devastation. “Yes, but Naomi, you have to just accept that sometimes the chips matter,” I offered thinking about the overwhelming sadness I felt last Saturday because…well, I actually don’t know why. Maybe, the global pandemic?

The reason I thought to write about self-compassion is because last Saturday I felt the slump of the weekend, and I started beating myself up for not being able to pull myself out of my slump. Harsh self-criticism ensued. But wait, would I ever tell anyone else that their feelings are invalid or that they are wrong to feel what they do? No. Would I harshly judge someone for feeling low or limited?  No. The only correct response, and frankly the only place I could go with this is to acknowledge and accept, and be kind.

If you are interested in reading more, I recommend Thupten Jinpa’s book A Fearless Heart: How the Courage to Be Compassionate Can Transform Our Lives

Remember that many care providers, including our team, are offering remote sessions. Please, be compassionate and access support if you are in need.

Stay healthy and well

Carmen

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Tips For Keeping Mental Health While Working Remotely

As we move into the third week of physical distancing, many people are finding the transition a challenge to mange. Kids, house work, and work-tasks all need our attention, at a time when our capacity is depleted. Today our wonderful team member, Dr. Pat Ferris, shares some practical strategies to help those of us who are now working from home.

  • Keep a schedule. If you can keep your regular schedule, this will keep some familiar routine. If you can’t keep your old schedule, find a schedule that works for you. This might even feel good!
  • Get washed and dressed and get out of your PJs – and get out of bed too!
  • ‘Commute’ to work. Some people have described walking around the block before coming into the house to go to work.
  • Work in area separated for the purpose of work. If you live in a small space or don’t have a room for an office, can you screen off or organize furniture so that you have a space designed for work?
  • Use headphones to cancel out noise if you are in a busy home. And be careful of confidentiality. Make sure that others in your home can’t hear you talking. 
  • Take regular breaks. Get a tea/coffee, go out for a walk/run during lunch if this is your routine. 
  • Take breaks with co-workers. Can you have a virtual coffee or lunch date with co-workers?

Video platforms are a useful way to connect to others while we practice physical distancing.

  • Use video as much as you can. It makes communication better when you can see someone’s body language and facial expressions.
  • Keep in touch with your supervisor/manager -ask for / give positive feedback and support.
  • Have some fun but be respectful of others while emailing, texting, messaging and virtual meetings. Think twice before sending memes and jokes.
  • On the other hand, keep pictures of soothing scenes or funny images that make you laugh around you. 
  • Leave work behind a closed door/space at the end of your workday. Take that walk around the block, do a mental visualization of leaving work and being home.
  • Be compassionate with yourself. Working from home can be a change that requires adjustment and this requires additional energy. You may find yourself more tired. Take a 15-minute nap if you can, talk to someone, chill. 
  • If you feel anxious, take a moment and breathe, stretch, meditate, and practice gratitude for all the positives we have. This too will pass … and maybe out of all this, we can develop a renewed appreciation for life, health, connections and peaceful moments. 
  • If you are struggling with anxiety, worry, depression and coping you are not alone. We can help. The value of sharing your thoughts and struggles with a listening and supportive person can make a big difference for you.

Be compassionate with yourself. You may find yourself more tired. Take a 15-minute nap if you can, talk to someone, chill. 

What are some ideas you have implemented? Please share with us here, Instagram, or FaceBook!

Dr. Pat Ferris is a registered Clinical Social Worker who has worked in a wide range of clinical settings such as hospitals, community mental health, Employee Assistance Programs and private practice for over 35 years. She also has a Ph.D. in Industrial Organizational Psychology where she studied quality of life issues related to work such as stress, bullying and work life balance.

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DEALING WITH A MAJOR LIFE STRESSOR, FEAR, THREATS, AND DIVORCE IN UNCERTAIN TIMES

Sitting at home in social distance mode, I have found myself contemplating the news and catching up on psychological readings. I have decided to blog about something a little more specific, scary and relevant to what I’m seeing in today’s current environment. 

Someday, researchers will rate where this perfect storm of dropping oil and gas prices, COVID-19, political unrest, social distancing and economic consequences of 2020 will land on the scale of major life stressors. But before this research is done, here is what I have seen as the top 10 stressors for men:

  1. Death of a loved one
  2. Divorce and family
  3. Job stability, moving, finances
  4. Major illness or injury, health
  5. Fast Pace of Life
  6. Friends and dating
  7. Fitness and Activity, leisure, hobbies
  8. Changing world – technology, management styles, and loosing competence in competitive world
  9. Social media speed and evolving zeitgeist of today
  10. Volatility and political/global unrest

Not only is Divorce a terrible loss/stress for children but as Kyle Morrison www.menafterdivorce.com says , “There is no greater emotional pain that is inflicted upon a man when they hear those fateful words leave the lips of their lover, their partner, their closest most intimate person, their wife – “I want a divorce.”

One of my mentors and Professors from the University of Lethbridge does applied work with the police and local emergency personal. He has expertise in Critical Incident Stress Debriefing, Post Traumatic Stress/Post Traumatic Growth. My mentor also has a Black Belt in martial arts, trains and competes as well as works with elite athletes. He understands and experiences mental training as well has professional expertise in several areas. He once told me that many of his toughest male clients take the hardest falls from divorce (think rough and tough MMA fighters, courageous men who protect our streets, fight our fires, and come home from military missions). Many men recover from the emotional pain and stress and many successful men break and never recover.  

“The blow to men’s ego, self esteem, and entire world view can be devastating. It is one of the most difficult things a man will have to deal with in his entire life. Some men never recover from this due to the lack of support and isolation. These men can end up miserable, depressed and lonely.” Kyle Morrison

The Coronavirus may cause a spike in divorce rates, and we can already anticipate what will happen when couples are self-isolating together.  We are seeing reports of a record number of divorce requests in recent weeks from the Chinese city of Xi’an where this virus first emerged months ago.

In my work at the practice, I take divorce and family work very seriously and work with people who have struggled with the threat of divorce or have gone through a nasty split. Everyone is different and every relationship is different too. The purpose of this blog is to write out my thoughts and support Calgarians who are in need. I have seen first hand and helped many men and woman survive and thrive after divorce. 

Fear is contagious. Right now, there is an abundance of fear and threats to our psychological needs and mental health. I believe that we can get through tough times as individuals, couples, families, teams and organizations. Getting through tough times isn’t easy, but in the end, it can be some of our proudest moments based on real confidence and resilience. To “struggle and emerge” sounds great until we are in the struggle. 

Economic stress, employment uncertainty, toxic attitudes and behaviours, all contribute to family break up and divorce. Without a strong sense of self, we become the company we keep and divorce is very popular these days. 

Whether we find ourselves trying to salvage a marriage or survive a divorce, here are a few thoughts of what the process may look like. 

“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you’re not going to stay where you are.” – unknown   

“The first step towards getting somewhere is to decide that you’re not going to stay where you are.” – unknown   

Working with a psychologist, outside perspective, and professional can help you understand what is going on in your mind. We all have egos, levels of self-acceptance, self-respect, confidence, memories, and family histories. 

Many men who have always been high achievers in life and are used to getting what they want, can get lost in the phases of divorce. Our ego tells us that we can handle it ourselves, that “those terrible things happen to other people, not me…not us.” The reality is, when there is massive emotional pain, we often go through: 

• Denial…. and see only what we want to see.

• Anger…… which is often a secondary emotion of fear and loss.

• Bargaining…….which can compound the pain as we cannot control others. 

• Depression……the terrifying reality, enormity, and change can slowly creep into every part of our life and suck every once of our energy. And finally,

• Acceptance and Growth which can take years to get to depending on you as an individual, your marriage, context, environment and history. 

(Books are written about the pressure, loneliness, reputation, forgetting or forgiving – That’s another blog – not to mention how lawyers are busy with the specific topics of money, property, children, family, etc).

As a psychologist I can be guilty of using acronyms……I am also guilty of blasting “awesome Dad” jokes. So as a member of the Team of Psychologists at The Practice Calgary, here is an acronym to summarize this blog with some suggestions that I have found useful if you are dealing with thoughts or the threat of divorce. 

I will urge my clients, before making or reacting to a major life altering decisions, to reflect on the following points:

1. Patterns of Self-Doubt in you. Patterns in the relationship. Do you know what they are? 

2. Recognize what’s underneath your self-doubt or patterns in the relationship. How does fear and loss play into your anger?

3. Admit you can’t do it alone and it’s okay to get professional support. (beers with buddies, although an easy distraction is not always enough). 

4. Courage to act and commit. It’s easy to start well, much harder to stick with it and finish strong. 

5. Take the Time for mental health. Life is busy, give yourself permission to take time for self care so that you can see the needs of those around you.

6. Information is Power. Track relevant data i.e., every time you eat a meal make a note of where you are on a difficult decision that you will have to make. Have your counsellor track your behaviour and reflect in each session. 

7. Catch the excuses for avoiding pressing issues or pretending like everything will just work out. 

8. Execute and act with the mindset, habits, and lessons to move forward and get closer to the people, things, and places you value most. There is no magic.

Please know that we at The PRACTICE are here to support you, via FaceTime, Skype, Zoom or on the phone. 

Derek Robinson, Registered Psychologist

Derek Robinson has been a Registered Psychologist since 2005 and has worked in the field of human performance and had the privilege to work alongside some of the best leaders, coaches, teams, athletes, medical and support staff in the world.

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How to Implement Home Schooling, as a Parent

One of our wonderful team members, Dr.Liann Meloff, took time to share her thoughts for parents who are trying to adjust to the idea of homeschooling their children.

As we have hit the last week of March, many of us had planned to be enjoying spring break with our children on a tropical island, taking hikes in the desert, skiing in the mountains or having a staycation with daily outings.  Instead we are all wondering how we are going to keep our kids occupied and more importantly, how will we ensure they learn everything they are supposed to for the last part of this school year.  As most are not nor have ever been teachers, how to implement “home schooling” is the challenge parents are now facing.  As a psychologist and previous educator, I encourage parents to focus on structure (routine), balance and of course fun!    

Creating structure and routine for your children around schooling at home (and other areas) can be valuable in reducing monotony and increasing efficiency. 

Structure.  Schools provide children structure from the first morning bell to recess and lunch to the afternoon bell.  Structure is also implemented throughout the day with core subjects and non-core subjects.  Creating structure and routine for your children around schooling at home (and other areas) can be valuable in reducing monotony and increasing efficiency.  Structure does not have to mimic what your children had at school, however beginning with the simple basics of getting up at the same time, having a shower, changing their clothes, and eating breakfast can help with productivity for the day.  It also helps to promote and maintain normalcy.  Creating a schedule with your children provides an outline for what is expected.  Schools focus on core subjects in the mornings (especially for the younger children) when they are most alert.  Non-core subjects often take place in the afternoon.  There are many online examples of a school day that can be altered to meet you and your child’s daily needs.  Chores and fun events are encouraged to be added to the schedule!

Homeschooling has the advantage of having a much broader range of non-core courses that can provide increased stimulation, greater learning, and more fun!  For example, baking helps kids with their reading, mathematics, and learning time. 

Balance.  Schools provide balance with core classes, non-core classes, physical education, socialization, and much more.  Creating and maintaining balance will be important for you and your children.  Too much in one area be it schoolwork or video games is not healthy for you or your child.  Homeschooling has the advantage of having a much broader range of non-core courses that can provide increased stimulation, greater learning, and more fun!  For example, baking helps kids with their reading, mathematics, and learning time.  Many board games have a math or spelling component (Scrabble, Yahtzee, cribbage).  YouTube videos are plentiful and on every topic your kids will be needing to learn. These are great to allow someone else to spend time teaching your child and gives your child input into how they learn.  Bike rides, skate boarding, and dog walks are all different ways of having gym class.  The more fun you can make learning for your child the more they will learn and enjoy learning.  Realistic expectations of yourself as a non-educator and or your children will be important for everyone. If we can look at this time as an opportunity for your children to learn in different ways, have different experiences, and even catch them up or push them forward in their academics, the easier this will be. 

Many board games have a math or spelling component (Scrabble, Yahtzee, cribbage)…..The more fun you can make learning for your child the more they will learn and enjoy learning. 

Dr. Liann Meloff, Registered Psychologist, maintains a broad base of clients including adults and couples, and she specializes in psycho-educational assessments and in the treatment of children, adolescents and families.

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Coping As the Days Pass By

As a team, we are continuing to provide support to clients and community members through what we will likely look back on as the ‘early days’ of the COVID-19 response. For many Albertans, COVID-19 started to feel very different around Friday the 13th, when imminent school closures and restrictions to our civil liberties became more palpable.  

That was last week, and a lot has changed. Initially people expressed disbelief and panic about the outbreak, and as this is starting to lift many are experiencing more pronounced anxiety and depression. 

Break up your day by getting outside as much as possible.

GET OUTSIDE, Safely. In a typical day, your day to day life typically provided you with a variety of stimulus. This stimulus, whether a peculiar dog or a driver cutting you off in traffic, pulls your attention outward. In short it interrupts self-rumination and reminds you that there is much more to the world around you than you. Now our stimulus is narrowed and we are looking at the same people, the same walls, the same trees. This leads to chronic under stimulation, and it has a negative impact on our mental health. If you are working from home, try changing up the room you are working in when possible, and take breaks outside during the day. Remember that taking small steps to help yourself out will have a larger impact in the long run.

Staring at the same thing all day long adds to isolation and can build up our frustration.

Limit MEDIA, and check MEDIA SOURCE.  Chronic exposure to COVID-19 news is another problem altogether. At a time when the variety of stimulus we face is narrowing, so is the breadth of news and conversation, meaning that COVID-19 overtakes our psyche. If you do not create a COVID-19 time out, then you lose the opportunity to process information and to think about things that are positive or hopeful for you. Make sure that you check ONLY reputable sources such as the World Health Organization, Center for Disease control, and your government site, but don’t check it all day long. Instead, set a schedule for checking once a day if possible, debrief it with someone, and then move on as much as you can. It is important to be aware of what COVID-19 means for the area you live, but you do not need moment to moment updates. They are not helpful. Please, check in with loved ones about COVID-19, but put a limit to it. It is important to have non-COVID-19 conversations. 

LOOK AT WHAT YOU CAN DO. This includes COVID-19 planning as a family. What will childcare look like in the event of illness, how will you manage grocery shopping, what do you need to make physical distancing even the slightest bit better, what are the expectations on the kids at this time etc.? This also includes what you can do today to help you cope with the strain? I find that video calls, getting outside, and non-media activity with my family helpful because it looks more similar to my normal life than the day to day of working and having school from home.

Take a break from the seriousness of life.

GIVE YOURSELF A BREAK. It is completely normal to be irritable, less motivated, and frustrated through this time. Even loving relationships may experience strain, and loving people may be cranky. Set the expectation that you may have more squabbles, or small things may feel more important than they would otherwise. When you find yourself in a frustration spiral or bickering with a family member, just call it and ask for a minute. Make a plan that your family will give each other some slack, and lots of chances to re-do a conversation or a moment. You don’t have to debrief every small squabble, if you see it for what it is. 

We are here and will be posting social media and blog content to help individuals and families at this time. Many service providers, including our team, are offering phone and FaceTime Support, so please reach out. Also, there are no-fee crisis services to help you through this time. We are in this together.

Distress Centre (free 24/7 crisis line) 

403-266-HELP (4357) TTY (for the hearing impaired) 403-543-1967 

Kids Help Phone:  1-800-668-6868

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Decline Parent Guilt as We Become ‘Teachers’

In the first week since classes were suspended I have noticed that in addition to anxiety about financial difficulties and fears of a loved one becoming ill, many parents are struggling to keep guilt at bay while transitioning to home-schooling. Yesterday one mom noted that guilt is running on high in her Face Book Mom’s group that is now proliferated with down to the minute color coded schedules, learning times, snack time, and ‘guided free play’. There is a pressure to be at-home (yes, listen to that one), and to be mom, teacher, after-school care provider, leaving no room for the parent to be human, emotional, or exhausted.

As someone who has worked in the field of mental health and child development for twenty years, please let me tell you that it is good and OK to take it slow. Relax. Think of it this way, when a new teacher joins a class or a new school year begins, no one is running on full educational mode the very first day.

The younger the child, often the longer the period of adjustment, and this would be particularly true if there were any high stress or traumatic event that preceded the new teacher or school. As I encouraged earlier this week, we will adjust to this new normal, but we need to give ourselves time to adjust. Remember that young kids are always learning in some form when they read during game time, count the number on a dice, or cook a meal. 

Art is an incredibly useful way for us to learn and process feelings.

Learning is predicated on relationship, which includes relationship to the teacher, to the school environment, and to self as a learner. You do not have to have it all figured out on the first day of this long-term change. In fact, take it easy and have a looser schedule that you can build on after you see how both you and your child(ren) are doing. If you are anxious and overloaded, you cannot expect yourself to keep calm when you are dealing with challenging behaviors or a frustrated learner. You are not a superhero and should not expect yourself to be ‘on’ all day long. Breaks for everyone in the house is recommended, and in the long run will be essential. I am inviting parents to be as thoughtful about the impact of home-schooling on their relationship with their child as they are on the educational goals. 

Here are a few thoughts for week one:

1. Dealing with boredom is a life-skill, and one that teaches kids early skills for emotional regulation. Sitting, without a screen to entertain them, requires a child to feel a difficult feeling, recognize it without overreacting to it, and make a choice about what they would like to do about it. Do not fill every minute of the day. 

Many parents feel pressured to have every minute planned and the day chalked full of learning or physical activities. Resist this, especially in the early days and weeks of home schooling.

2. Free play is not the same as parent-guided play.  Most parents have a very hard time playing with their child without introjecting and filling the gaps. This is great because it allows the child to practice social skills like being flexible and adopting the ideas of others; however, playing on their own is different altogether. Solo play allows kids to process their own ideas, create freely, and be responsible for their own entertainment. 

3. Promote rupture and repair of attachment. This means that during an activity, you transition the child in and then excuse yourself for a brief moment, with a promise to return. Then return at the scheduled promise. If your child is too young to tell time then you can say, “I will be right back I am just going to load the dishwasher…”, then make sure you come back. If your child is glued to you, then this will require a lot of encouragement and practice, and you may have to leave the play and stay in the room initially. Down the road this will enable you to complete a small task like a putting in a load of laundry, rather than being 100% on deck for your child and cramming those tasks in to their nap time.

4. Quiet time is recommended. This is solo time in their room if possible. They can nap, read, play quietly, and you should rest too. Please do not fill this with work tasks or social media. Your mental health is important. 

5. Screen time does not make you a bad parent. Yes, some parents keep the screens running in their house, use screens to entertain whenever their child really just needs attention, and don’t monitor what their child is watching. For those parents, screen time is negative and harmful. However, thoughtful screen time in the midst of active parenting is not worthy of the guilt it causes. If you are the only parent at home, and you have been actively working with your child, and you need to prepare dinner but every time you try it ends up with you losing your temper and the child in an outburst, then I would suggest that this is a useful time to use screens. Be thoughtful and intentional, and stop vilifying yourself. The other reality is that many learning activities now utilize a screen

GET OUTSIDE (Photo taken at RockyMountain Flatbread, many weeks ago)

6. Get outside daily, and be considerate of yourself. You may be experiencing a dip in mood and energy, and although you believe a ‘good’ parent would run laps around the yard chasing a ball, you really should be realistic about your energy level and emotional state, and perhaps take a walk instead? Use outdoor activity as an aide to you so that you can get a mental break in your day. Most kids are like wind-up toys, and so small outings rather than large ones are often more helpful. 

7. Use technology to connect your kids to their peers and family. Short video calls to chat, show each other the latest creative masterpiece, and be silly can be very helpful. The younger the kid, the shorter the time will likely be, but it can still help them to see someone other than their family. 

We’re here to support you, and each other, by phone or FaceTime during this challenging time. *photo taken many weeks ago*

Remember that many providers, including our team, are offering FaceTime and telephone support to families at this time. Please reach out if you are struggling.