Week three is winding down as restrictions across our city are amping up, the weekend, typically a part of the week I look forward to a lot has become an even more difficult time. Last weekend I was caught off guard; the weekend was an even stronger reminder of COVID-19. There would be no enjoyment of our beautiful city, no play in the mountains, and no enjoyment of the escape from work. Everything felt heavier, with more time to feel it with.
Weekends are no longer time for us to enjoy our beautiful city and unwind, which can make them very hard.
I spend a lot of time working with people to develop insight and strategies to help manage, and even move out of, difficult situations and feelings. When I look at where we are now, I realize that this is not enough. Sure, there is room for planning and strategy, but the reality is not going anywhere, jobs are lost, school is gone, freedom is limited. This is one of those times that we have to sit in it.
Compassion is a term we are all familiar with, although not always easy to exercise. Self-compassion is a much more foreign term, and in crisis it can be nothing short of evasive. If ever we have been called to self-compassion it is now. Thupten Jinpa, the Dalai Lama’s translator is a well-quote author and speaker on the issue of self-compassion, and he has often explained that self-compassion is “the instinctive ability to be kind and considerate to yourself.” Self-compassion is not selfish, narcissistic indulgence.
Self-compassion is critical right now, because as Jinpa point out without self-compassion “we don’t develop adequate resources within ourselves to be able to give more to others.” Right now, there is a global situation requiring endless compassion in order to respond. We cannot face suffering, fear, desperation in our world, city, family, and within ourselves without compassion.
When you beat yourself up for not coping well enough, helping the kids enough, having a clean enough house or healthy enough food, just stop! Think of yourself as a child, or any child for that matter, would you truly tell a child in the middle of COVID-19 to stop crying and get to work? No, or at least you shouldn’t. The correct response is to provide reassurance, notice that the global level of stress is high and we are all feeling it. You should be aware that giving the day your 100% means giving 100% of what you have in that moment. Maybe 100% today does not include a run. Maybe it’s about loving yourself and knowing that today you need to watch a comedy because you are feeling really sad.
Jinpa encourages, “Wouldn’t you feel instinctively protective toward this child? Instead of negative judgment, criticism and reprimand, would you feel tender and caring?”
My dear friend and colleague, Naomi, shared her story. Yesterday, after dropping her daughter off with her dad, Naomi burst into tears. She had no idea why, and all she could do to console herself was to think about her favorite bag of chips waiting for her at home. I affirmed Naomi for allowing herself to cry but she laughed, “I didn’t really have a choice.”
Relatable.
Then Naomi returned home opened the box where her chips were waiting only to find that the chips had spilled, all over a bottle of cleaner. Cue complete devastation. “Yes, but Naomi, you have to just accept that sometimes the chips matter,” I offered thinking about the overwhelming sadness I felt last Saturday because…well, I actually don’t know why. Maybe, the global pandemic?
The reason I thought to write about self-compassion is because last Saturday I felt the slump of the weekend, and I started beating myself up for not being able to pull myself out of my slump. Harsh self-criticism ensued. But wait, would I ever tell anyone else that their feelings are invalid or that they are wrong to feel what they do? No. Would I harshly judge someone for feeling low or limited? No. The only correct response, and frankly the only place I could go with this is to acknowledge and accept, and be kind.
If you are interested in reading more, I recommend Thupten Jinpa’s book A Fearless Heart: How the Courage to Be Compassionate Can Transform Our Lives
Remember that many care providers, including our team, are offering remote sessions. Please, be compassionate and access support if you are in need.
Stay healthy and well
Carmen