SELFCOMPASSION

Everyone needs to deal with the pandemic in their own way, so in no way do I want to push an agenda here. Instead, I’d like to consider the possible use of focusing on wellness, health, and opportunity to at least try to counter balance the negative.

Behind the clouds you’ll find the sun, and in the chaos you may find opportunity. Remember though, you won’t find what you are not looking for.

Let This Spark Change. It is hard when we think all day long about what we can’t do. When a mindset of restriction and limitation sets in our brains naturally seek out information that confirms this belief. It actually magnifies it too, because negative thoughts are magnetic and collect allies in rapid time. To get out of this spiral, you have to intentionally look for areas where either we are not limited or where we are benefiting. This is a far cry from being glad that this has happened, that is too far of a stretch for me, but I can acknowledge that not everything that I have changed as a result of isolation has been bad. Without my commute, it is easier to work out during the day (these are not good work outs by the way), and my friendships have become a priority and therefore are deepening. I’ve been pushed to learn about on-line group delivery, and now that I see how much easier it is for people to attend these I will prioritize this service delivery going forward. Is it possible that after isolation we will continue to intentionally seek out connection? I hope so.

Being so intentional about coming together has imparted on me how much I love and need my friends.

Form Healthier Habits. I don’t think that now is the time to overhaul your life, although by all means do it if it is right for you. But this could be a time to break the all-or-nothing rigidity that stops so many of us from taking self-care seriously. The reason I think this may be the right time to learn about the importance of small steps is that many of us feel like small steps are all we have got right now. Being satisfied with a less-than exercise session, eating a slightly healthier dinner, or keeping the sweets to a smaller portion while refusing to beat yourself up would be examples of small-step change that interrupt black-and-white thinking. This is important because our own rigidity and judgement are the ultimate destroyers of personal change.

FINALLY Learn to Let Go. I had an amazing conversation with someone last week. He shared that his entire life he has resisted accepting what is and that finally, he has accepted he is not in control. Pain often comes from the reality of our world, but suffering comes from our mental and emotional resistance to it. If you can be patient with yourself, and slowly notice where your attention has shifted from acceptance of what is to resistance, then you can gently invite yourself to acceptance. This will pass and it will unfold as it will. If you focus on positive action towards things you can control, you will weather the storm in a better state.

The Buddha’s Brain by Rick Hanson, Ph.D. with Richard Mendius, MD is a great book filled with neuroscience explanation and practical tips to help separate pain from suffering.

When it all rises too high, I am reminded that there is nothing we can do but surrender to the reality that we are ultimately not in control. After the panic, there is peace.

Shift into Self-Compassion. You’re tired, cranky, short with your family, not as productive as you should be…the list of shortcomings is endless these days. Rather than constant striving to be 100%, maybe you could just give yourself a break. Be kind, recognize that your 100% today is at a different level, and where did we even get the idea that being 100% all the time is the goal? What about saying, “that’s ok, it’s a big day” or “hey, maybe you need a rest and reset here?” Instead of giving space to the nagging inner-critic, what if you actually wished yourself wellness, peace, and health?

My absolute favorite speaker on the subject of self-compassion is Sharon Salzberg. While all her work is worthy of attention her book, Real Love: The Art of Mindful Connection is profound yet practical.

A couple of more resources:

Chelsea Gohd wrote a fun and on-point article sharing tips from astronauts for coping with isolation:

https://www.space.com/astronaut-tips-for-handling-isolation-coronavirus.html

Join our community as we discuss positive changes we can focus on during isolation! We’re hosting a free ZOOM session Thursday April 16, 2020 at 4:30pm.

Email [email protected] for the link to join.

In health,

Carmen

Week three is winding down as restrictions across our city are amping up, the weekend, typically a part of the week I look forward to a lot has become an even more difficult time. Last weekend I was caught off guard; the weekend was an even stronger reminder of COVID-19. There would be no enjoyment of our beautiful city, no play in the mountains, and no enjoyment of the escape from work. Everything felt heavier, with more time to feel it with.

Weekends are no longer time for us to enjoy our beautiful city and unwind, which can make them very hard.

I spend a lot of time working with people to develop insight and strategies to help manage, and even move out of, difficult situations and feelings. When I look at where we are now, I realize that this is not enough. Sure, there is room for planning and strategy, but the reality is not going anywhere, jobs are lost, school is gone, freedom is limited. This is one of those times that we have to sit in it.

Compassion is a term we are all familiar with, although not always easy to exercise. Self-compassion is a much more foreign term, and in crisis it can be nothing short of evasive. If ever we have been called to self-compassion it is now. Thupten Jinpa, the Dalai Lama’s translator is a well-quote author and speaker on the issue of self-compassion, and he has often explained that self-compassion is “the instinctive ability to be kind and considerate to yourself.” Self-compassion is not selfish, narcissistic indulgence.

Self-compassion is critical right now, because as Jinpa point out without self-compassion “we don’t develop adequate resources within ourselves to be able to give more to others.” Right now, there is a global situation requiring endless compassion in order to respond. We cannot face suffering, fear, desperation in our world, city, family, and within ourselves without compassion.

When you beat yourself up for not coping well enough, helping the kids enough, having a clean enough house or healthy enough food, just stop! Think of yourself as a child, or any child for that matter, would you truly tell a child in the middle of COVID-19 to stop crying and get to work? No, or at least you shouldn’t. The correct response is to provide reassurance, notice that the global level of stress is high and we are all feeling it. You should be aware that giving the day your 100% means giving 100% of what you have in that moment. Maybe 100% today does not include a run. Maybe it’s about loving yourself and knowing that today you need to watch a comedy because you are feeling really sad.

Jinpa encourages, “Wouldn’t you feel instinctively protective toward this child? Instead of negative judgment, criticism and reprimand, would you feel tender and caring?”

My dear friend and colleague, Naomi, shared her story. Yesterday, after dropping her daughter off with her dad, Naomi burst into tears. She had no idea why, and all she could do to console herself was to think about her favorite bag of chips waiting for her at home. I affirmed Naomi for allowing herself to cry but she laughed, “I didn’t really have a choice.”

Relatable.

Then Naomi returned home opened the box where her chips were waiting only to find that the chips had spilled, all over a bottle of cleaner. Cue complete devastation. “Yes, but Naomi, you have to just accept that sometimes the chips matter,” I offered thinking about the overwhelming sadness I felt last Saturday because…well, I actually don’t know why. Maybe, the global pandemic?

The reason I thought to write about self-compassion is because last Saturday I felt the slump of the weekend, and I started beating myself up for not being able to pull myself out of my slump. Harsh self-criticism ensued. But wait, would I ever tell anyone else that their feelings are invalid or that they are wrong to feel what they do? No. Would I harshly judge someone for feeling low or limited? No. The only correct response, and frankly the only place I could go with this is to acknowledge and accept, and be kind.

If you are interested in reading more, I recommend Thupten Jinpa’s book A Fearless Heart: How the Courage to Be Compassionate Can Transform Our Lives

Remember that many care providers, including our team, are offering remote sessions. Please, be compassionate and access support if you are in need.

Stay healthy and well

Carmen

Tag: SELFCOMPASSION

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