I won’t start the new year writing about resolutions. There is way too much hype about resolutions right now. If you know me at all, you know that I thrive with one foot in the margins so anything too mainstream will be unappealing. Besides, there are far more productive ways to start a new year than to sit and think about all the ways you wish you and your life were different. And also, there is the reality that most new year’s resolutions don’t work.
Part of the issue is that we direct our attention in all the wrong places. We idealize our past and let that propel us to a version of the future that we believe will be better. It doesn’t really make too much sense though. Just because I used to run marathons or be a social butterfly, does not mean that either of those things fit me now. It also does not mean that I will be any happier if I have them in my life again. And I am not a failure if I don’t have them now, or am I? What if I look back and see a complete wreck? An under-active, difficult to complete any goal, isolated person. Does that mean that is the way my future will look? We put way too much emphasis on how we imagine it was and what that means. In doing so, we render the past far more important than the present.
We need to stop throwing our attention around like confetti at midnight (see what I did there?). It is OK to have an understanding of where you have come from, but don’t make the mistake of thinking that has to dictate where you are going. Instead, try being honest about where you are at right now. The person we are most comfortable lying to is ourselves, and that stops any change plan dead in its tracks. Years of providing therapy has made this point come across loud and clear. Many (read *most*), of us don’t feel we accept our situation, body, relationship, behavior, and so instead of really looking at it, we lie about it. When I ask a client to report on a behavior or pattern and then ask a friend or family member to give their account, there is almost always a meaningful discrepancy. You can guess that the error is on the side of the client reporting in their own favor. You could imagine that this is related to wanting to save face to me, a phenomenon called social desirability; however, the pattern repeats in teacher-student, parent-client, sibling-client, spouse-client, and even self-report verses written record. Yes, that’s right, what you will report in-person will often contradict what you yourself have documented as a written account of your own behavior.
So, in order to have any sense of goal setting, we need to start with an honest account of where we actually are. How on earth else would you know how to get to somewhere if you don’t know the starting point? Jump in a car with a tank of gas and say, ‘I’d like to go to California by tomorrow’, is that possible? Yes, if you are in Oregon, no if you are in New York. You also need to make sure that you have the gas and money (i.e. personal resources) to get there.
If there is one resolution I will endorse, it is this: “I resolve to be honest and accepting of where I am right now!” Then, once I have a solid sense of that, I can gently and with compassion start to look at where I think I want to move towards, why that will be meaningful, and what I will use to measure my success. Here’s a place to start. Start this week and make a point of writing down your activity as a way to be accountable. How often do you really go to bed on time, act kindly towards your partner, eat in a way that is positive for your body? Where do you actually spend your time? Social media or reading? Television or talking with people around you? Don’t try to make yourself save face just be honest. Then, in the blogs to come we will start to look at what this tracking means, and how you can use it to honor your strengths, identify your core, and guide your goals for 2018.
I guess I did end up writing about resolutions after all… but in a way that didn’t let anyone set specific goals. That’s about right!
Carmen Dodsworth, BSc., MA.
Registered Psychologist